Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Whip It Good

As you may have heard, former Brat Pack actor and cougar icon Demi Moore is in rehab following a highly-publicized incident in which her daughter and a friend called 911 to report that Ms. Moore was having seizures caused by substance abuse.

She will always, always, always be Jules
in St. Elmo's Fire to me. And Jackie Templeton from
"General Hospital." But mostly Jules.
The substance turned out to be...whip-its.

No, no.
Demi Moore is a freaking beautiful, freaking rich, freaking middle-aged woman, and she was doing whip-its.

There you go.
That's...desperate and sad, really.

Whip-its are the little canisters of nitrous oxide that, among other things, make whipped cream come shooting out of the can all fluffy. Nitrous oxide is laughing gas. Of course.

Breathe deep, and you won't care that none of this is covered by insurance.
When I used to work at Baskin-Robbins, there was a little fridge under the counter that held cans and cans of whipped cream for sundaes and banana splits and the occasional snack. And if you were working a shift without the boss, and there were no customers, you could help yourself to a couple of snorts of nitrous from one (or two) of the cans for a quick, free buzz. You had to be careful, because if you used up all the juice, the next person who actually wanted to dispense whipped cream would end up dribbling non-whipped creamy goo all over someone's brownie fudge sundae. And if that person was the boss, who knew damn well that twelve straight cans of whipped cream couldn't be defective, there was trouble.

Still, it was great fun. Because I was 14.

When I was 14, this was the coolest thing
anybody had ever seen.

I moved on pretty quickly from sucking nitrous oxide. Eventually I discovered there were other drugs that worked better, lasted longer, and didn't cut off the oxygen supply to my brain. Some of them were even legal.

All of these, totally legal. What a country!
The thought of being a 49-year-old woman with a successful Hollywood career and a ton of money and still thinking that huffing is a cool way to spend an evening is...did I already say desperate and sad?

Totally unrelated aside: If you Google "desperate and sad,"
you get a picture of Glenn Beck. Srsly.
I do feel bad for Demi, who clearly is in a bad way and is grappling with other issues besides a hankering for getting high like an adolescent boy with a black-light Led Zeppelin poster taped to his bedroom wall. She's getting help, and I applaud her for that and wish her the best.

That said, how often do I get to feel superior
to someone who looks like this, right?
If you're still a little confused about whip-its, gawker.com posted this great article on the subject. It's extremely specific and accurate on the hows and whys of sucking nitrous recreationally. DO NOT DO WHAT IT SAYS. Really. Go to your doctor and get a prescription for painkillers or something safe and natural like that, OK? Huffing is bad.

Don't even think of huffing your cat.
And Demi...if this is about losing Ashton? Girl, please. That ain't worth the dead brain cells.

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