Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Welcome to Drunkipedia

The world is a signficantly dumber, albeit better researched, place today. Wikipedia has gone dark to protest the pending SOPA/PIPA legislation. Because a free and open Internet is critical to, uh, something or other. I should look it up on...oh, damn.

By the way, if you speak Spanish or Polish or Dutch or any of the myriad other languages in which Wikipedia publishes, you can go to town, boy. Those sites are up and running. Spaniards don't give a damn about free speech. And don't get me started on the French. I'll bet all of their entries are just anti-American rants, anyway. In French, so God-fearing Americans can't read them. If that's not censorship, I clearly have no idea what I'm talking about.

What was I talking about?

Oh yes, the web blackout. Did you know that is also participating? This is serious!

When I can't illustrate a point by appropriating pictures of LOLcats for my own use,
the terrorists win.

Anyway, as a public service, I thought I'd launch Drunkipedia. Because there is no information available anywhere else on the Internets today. So I carefully compiled the answers to every question that could conceivably be asked in the next 24 hours. I listed them below. Go ahead, peruse the list, and I'll bet you'll find the knowledge you were seeking. Just don't forget to properly attribute and compensate me, or I'll slap a C&D order on you faster than Diddy on a bottle of Ciroc. I ain't doing this for love, people.

Wait, I am doing this for love. Awwww, I love you guys. Much more than Wikipedia or Reddit, who only care about freedom of speech and the future of online communication. Pfffft. Whatevs. I got your communication right here. You're welcome.

Drunkipedia - All the Answers Are Here

1. Yes
2. George Washington Carver
3. Godzilla
4. That is not considered canon
5. Deoxyribonucleic acid
6. Magda, Zsa Zsa, and Eva
7. 165 degrees
8. Gary Gygax
9. 1/2 m vo^2 = m g h + 1/2 m v^2 vo^2 = 2 g h + v^2 --> vo =6.5m/s
10. Every four years, except for years ending in 00 that are divisible by four
11. They all had glass eyeballs
12. Fruit Brute
13. 23,924
14. À la recherche du temps perdu
15. Buddy Ebsen
16. Christiaan Huygens (1629-1695)
17. 16 ounces of phyllo dough and 1 cup of real butter
18. The Peace of Westphalia
19. Gethsemane
20. Properly made, blood sausage should not have the metallic taste that many people associate with blood
21.Clyde McPhatter
22. 16
23. Valentine Michael Smith (see also grok
24. Julius
25. "Iron Eyes" Cody was actually an Italian immigrant named Espera diCorti.
26. Purple
27. 10cc (apocryphal)
28. Mary, Queen of Scots
29. Black bile, yellow bile, phlegm, and blood
30. 1901
31. Up to 18.5 feet in length
32. Francis Bacon did not write Hamlet, you idiot
33. Yes, really
34. She cut off her heel to fit into the glass slipper
35. Butterfly McQueen
36. Hysteria was often treated with the aid of primitive electrical devices
37. The femur
38. The lemur
39. 1/4 c. prepared mesophylic starter
40. This has been the subject of intense debate since the mid-13th century
41. Friz Freleng
42. What do you get if you multiply six by nine?

There wasn't room for it on the list, but also: "No."

I hope the Internet is still here tomorrow. I really miss those humorous photos of cats with comical captions. And democracy. Yeah, that's good, too.

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