Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Rick Perry Is a True One-Percenter

Governor Rick Perry, who despite my pleas is still running for President, showed his true colors in the New Hampshire primary yesterday.

Mostly white, as it turns out.
Gov. Perry pulled in 1% of the votes. See, because he's a one-percenter. So he...WELL I THINK IT'S FUNNY.

So does my friend Blubber McWalrus.
 One percent. One measly frickin' percent. That's 1,745 votes out of 246,238 ballots cast (based on 98% of precincts reporting). Which actually is just a hair over 0.7% of the vote, if you want to get mathy. I usually don't, but in Gov. Perry's case I'll make an exception, just to show I'm smarter than he is.

So is this muskmelon.
Gov. Perry had a typically eloquent and insightful explanation for his poor showing in New Hampshire: "I didn't wanna win in that backwards shithole anyway." No! He didn't say that. What he actually said was, "We didn't compete in New Hampshire. So it doesn't surprise us that our score there was a bit on the low side."

Gov. Perry is in his comfort zone when it comes to scores being on the low side.
 Gov. Perry has set his sights on the January 21st South Carolina primary. He says a victory there will mean way more than getting votes from those dillweeds in New Hampshire. OK, he didn't say that, either. He did say that "South Carolina is who picks Presidents." Which is a grammatically shaky and factually suspect thing to say, actually, but then again, he also called sweet tea "the house wine of the South." Which must come as a surprise to the makers of Thunderbird.

Sweet tea apparently doesn't get you as wasted as maple syrup.
So Gov. Perry is hitching his star to the wagon of South Carolina's conservative, religious, down-home voters. Just like all the other conservative, religious, down-home candidates who so far have been tremendous losers in other parts of the country and are pretending it's only important to appeal to Americans who share the same background and views as you.

Newt Gingrich, for example, is doing great with the
"Voters Who Look Like the Old Guy in Up and
Also Suck at Staying Married" demographic.
 It seems to me the GOP also-rans are trying to slice the South Carolina pie pretty thin among them. And let's not forget that Palmetto State favorite son and fake TV pundit Stephen Colbert is already polling at 5%. Gov. Perry, that's five times what you got in New Hampshire, in case you're out of toes to count on.

But hey, on to South Carolina, by all means. Just don't peak too soon. After all, your home state primary isn't until April 3. All of us in Texas are looking forward to sealing your nomination then.

Sorry, couldn't do it with a straight face.

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