Monday, December 5, 2011

Why I Have Herman Cain's Back

This weekend Herman Cain "suspended" his campaign for the GOP Presidential nomination. I like the term "suspended" rather than "ended" because a suspended campaign can still raise and spend money. In fact, I hereby declare my candidacy. And I hereby suspend my campaign. Now send me money. God Bless America.

I'll spend it on beefing up my Cabinet. Promise.
 Here's what I have to say about Mr. Cain's downfall: Goddamn. That's a shame. I'm serious. I wasn't ever going to vote for the guy. I don't vote for those people.

Not in my neighborhood.
 But talk about a swift and terrible crash. He was riding high, drawing crowds, attracting donors, making headlines. His positions on taxes and spending were at least amusing and creative, if unworkable and goofy. His foreign policy statements were alarmingly uninformed, which put him right in the running with all the other candidates. At least he never vowed to shut down an Iranian embassy that doesn't exist.

I'm looking at you, crazy nutbar woman.
 No, Herman Cain, like so many others before him, was laid low by sex. Dirty, evil, God-hating, America-bashing, probably-a-closet-Muslim sex.

Slut. Heathen. Communist.
 Sex has brought down any number of horndog politicians, of course. Gary Hart, John Edwards, Mark Sanford, Larry "Wide Stance" Craig, and of course the aptly named Anthony Weiner: They all made headlines for lewd and lascivious behavior and paid the price.

I will take any opportunity to display this photo of 
Anthony's Weiner for my rest of my life. Amen.
 In the case of Herman Cain, following accusations of sexual harassment that couldn't be proven, he faced accusations of an extramarital affair that couldn't be proven. And weren't proven. But he dropped out of the race anyway. Which means they were true. Except he insists they're not. Which is just what he would say if they were true. Or if they weren't. A-HA!

Herman Cain probably thinks we're assholes.
He's probably right.
 I don't know if Herman Cain had an affair with what's-her-name. Or if he sexually harassed that other woman. (Actually, based on the facts presented, I don't think he did harass that other woman. There's a legal definition of that term, honey. Look it up and stop muddying the water for legitimate victims of harassment.) I also don't know if he's doing the right thing by ending his campaign based on accusations alone. I mean, Eliot Spitzer had his name in a brothel's guest register. That's pretty solid. Mr. Cain may have blinked too soon.

Where's the smoking gun? Uh,so to speak.
 I'm not saying that a sex scandal shouldn't destroy a politician's career. Wait, yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. It shouldn't necessarily destroy it. Uh-oh, I'm introducing ambiguity. There goes my career as a journalist.

Here's a poorly kept secret: Sex makes people act like idiots. This is a well-documented fact. Most likely it's made you act like an idiot at one time or another. Yes, you. Not you, Mother Superior. But the rest of you, yeah.

I know the argument: Someone who would cheat on his spouse is likely to lie and cheat about other things, some of which may actually be any of America's business. And our elected officials should be individuals of character and integrity, which obviously means they eschew sexual behavior not just outside of marriage but probably inside it, beneath it, and straddling it backwards. Oh, sorry, did I say that? Clearly my use of mild innuendo disqualifies me from public service and makes me a bad credit risk.

I am so sorry. Does God take MasterCard?
 It's just that I think there's a better predictor of whether someone will be a responsible public servant than his or her sexual proclivities. Because I'm not voting for anyone to be an honorable spouse. That's important, sure. And if you're not, I may not like you very much. But if my ballot lists a horndog with a sound platform and a solid record, and an angel who shits all over the Constitution, I'm going to take the horndog. I may not be happy with that Hobson's choice, but we've got a country to run, and it's hard enough to find good people to run it without insisting that they be perfect in arenas that won't increase the debt or involve us in foreign wars.

There are deal-breakers, of course. I find both Democrat John Edwards and Republican Newt Gingrich to be contemptible people whose personal behavior far outstrips their political qualifications. I'm not going to vote for a contemptible person. I voted for Bill Clinton once, but not twice. I never voted for Gov. Dick Perry any of the 37 times he's been elected governor of Texas. Neither one of them is contemptible because of sex. They're just contemptible people, one of whom was publicly unfaithful and one of whom...I don't know and don't care to imagine.

I just hope that's not his O-face.
There are so many reasons I would never vote for Herman Cain, although I might have voted for him just for kicks, because damn, that cat has style. I didn't need him to be forced out of the race by a trumped-up sex scandal. I don't care if and when and how and where and by whom Herman Cain got it on. If he had an affair, it would have been pretty far down the list of Things That Make Herman Cain an Unlikely Candidate for High Office (for instance, it would have been way below the "Uzbeki-beki-beki-stan-stan" quote). If he didn't have an affair, then it's a damn shame someone who actually showed passion and intelligence got railroaded by a bunch of Puritans and media hypocrites. Thanks for taking away our power to choose...and our fun.

 Mr. Cain, I've got your back. I respect your decision to withdraw, or use a condom, as the case may be. Wait, what? No, no! I respect your decision to withdraw from the race. Right. But count me as one who wasn't swayed by the media circus of allegations and innuendo. I hope you return to your campaign, although that seems unlikely given that you can now spend all the money without actually having to be a candidate. Cool rule. Rest assured that this loyal American would never turn against you because of your purported sex life.

Unless, you know, it turns out to be super-freaky or something. Or involves hot pizza cheese. America has standards. No sense in raising them now.

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