Thursday, December 15, 2011

The Third Item on My Christmas List

All right, kids, we're coming down to it. So far Auntie Chuck has two items on her Christmas wish list:

1. Hand-painted monkey art. (Of monkeys, not by monkeys)
2. A pair of hermit crabs.

Here's the third thing I want: a poseable Kermit the Frog.

 I used to have a poseable Kermit. He was a Mother's Day present from Beloved Spouse. Best Mother's Day present ever, actually. I mean, not counting all the homemade pincushions, greeting cards, and paper flowers from Precocious Daughter. Those are in a realm that consumer goods can't touch. I'm a sucker for that crap.

Even Snoop Dogg appreciates the value of a homemade gift.
 But I loved my poseable Kermit. He was always happy to see me. He was huggable. Sometimes I slept with him. Kermit was my Frog With Benefits.

Then one day BelSpouse and I got in a fight, and I got mad and started throwing things away. I'm pretty sure the fight was over what a slob I am. I can't imagine what else would have made me start throwing out my own stuff instead of his. I'm a little nuts sometimes, but I tend to have some rationale behind the crazy shit I do.

Except wearing these jeans. All I can say is, it was the 80s.
 I threw out a ton of stuff that day, and yeah, it was mostly stuff that could be classified as junk, or clutter, or borderline hoarding. BelSpouse knows that sometimes the only way to get me to do something is to make me so mad that my brain bypasses the bullshit neurons and gets on with it. So that worked out OK. But my brain failed to bypass the synapses of spite, and I ended up throwing out a couple of cherished babies with the bathwater of my collected crap. One of them was my orange crushed-velvet bedspread, which was as ghetto fabulous as it sounds and deserved a better fate than my passive-aggressive rejection.

The other was my beloved poseable Kermit the Frog. I scooped him up with a bunch of other items I was angrily discarding, and I distinctly remember thinking, "This'll show him. I'll throw out this thing I love and will miss terribly when it's gone. Take that."

Don't even try.
 Yeah. So I no longer have my Kermit. And that makes me very sad. Especially since 18" poseable Kermits are not easy to find any more. Which nobody told me when I threw mine away in a fit a pique. 
Sorry, Kermie.

But I want a new one. Because I miss my Frog With Benefits. And because I'm sorry I lost my temper and threw him away. But mostly because I don't think I have much chance of getting one. We always want what we can't have.

See also: Tork, Peter.
 While I'm at it, I wish I still had the Cookie Monster puppet I had when I was little. But long-lost Muppet per Christmas list. Kermit it is.

And you know, if you run across an orange crushed-velvet bedspread, you could throw that in, too.


  1. I'm more of a Micky Dolenz gal myself. I very much hope you get your posable Kermit though!


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