Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The Fourth (and Final) Item on My Christmas List

See? There are only four things, total, on my Christmas list. I'm not greedy. Let's recap the first three, shall we?

First, a hand-painted oil reproduction of Edmund Bristow's "Before the Monkey Duel."

Second, a pair of hermit crabs, which I have been prohibited from owning.

Third, a poseable Kermit the Frog to replace the one I loved but threw out in a fit of pique a few years ago.

I don't think any of those things are too much to ask. Somehow I've gotten a reputation as being difficult, demanding, and unreasonable. Which I entirely deserve. But not when it comes to Christmas.  I would really rather give and not receive. Receiving makes me nervous, to tell you the truth.

Why are you being so nice to me?
In that spirit, here's the fourth and final item on my Christmas list:

I want Paul Simon to come to my house and sing "Mother and Child Reunion" to me.

Maybe you've heard of him.
 Now, I know what you're thinking. And believe me, I'm willing to compromise. He can sing "American Tune" or "Graceland" if he wants. Hell, he's Paul Simon. I'm not going to tell him which of his many classic songs to sing to me. I would just prefer "Mother and Child Reunion," that's all.

Only a motion away.
In fact, I'd be willing to go further and say that I'd be happy if any left-handed Jewish singer-songwriter married to a former member of New Bohemians came to my house and sang "Mother and Child Reunion" to me. Again, I'd prefer Paul Simon. But if there are others, hell, I'll welcome them with a cup of eggnog and my rapt attention. We can watch Scrooge together.

The 1951 adaptation of A Christmas Carol starring Alastair Sim, of course.
Don't come to my house if you don't know that.
Unless you're a left-handed Jewish singer-songwriter married
to a former member of New Bohemians.
 I'll be waiting, Paul. Can I call you Paul? After all, you can call me Al. *snort* Sorry, I had to go there.

OK, so if anyone wants to know where I am, I'll be home making cookies and practicing my high harmonies. You know, just in case someone wants to sing "At the Zoo" with me. It could happen. Merry Christmas to all!


  1. We took my parents to see Messrs Simon and Garfunkel along with Brothers Everley back in 2003. It was December - they were playing Phillips Arena in Atlanta. Worth every dime - one of the best concerts I've seen.

  2. If Phil and Don wanted to accompany their good friend Paul to my house and sing a few bars of "Gone Gone Gone," I wouldn't kick 'em out!


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