Wednesday, November 2, 2011

In the Movie of My Life...

They make movies about middle-aged moms with office jobs who rant on the Internet in their spare time and have occasional nervous breakdowns, right?

I thought so.
 If Hollywood can make a movie starring Adam Sandler as brother-and-sister twins, then they can find a way to put my not-so-ridiculously-premised life on the silver screen. Why not? With careful editing, you can make anything look like anything.

As Governor Rick Perry discovered this week.
So let's say that Always Drunk: The Motion Picture is coming to a theatre near you. I've decided that I should be played by Jennifer Anniston.

Seen here looking stunning.
 Important caveat here: I look absolutely nothing like Jennifer Anniston. She is gorgeous and has a perfect body and looks like a movie star. Me, not so much. We're both women, and approximately the same age, and after that we part ways and she parties with Owen Wilson and I scoop cat-lumps out of the litter box. But it's my movie, bitches, so I get to be played by Jennifer Anniston. Besides, she's good at doing ditzy and overwhelmed. That's a plus for playing me.

After careful consideration, I think that Bestest Friend should be played by Lauren Graham of "Gilmore Girls" and "Parenthood" fame.

Also stunning.
Lauren Graham is funny and bright and down-to-earth, just like Bestest Friend. Plus, I think she and Jennifer Anniston look great together. Almost as fabulous as the real thing.

Casting Beloved Spouse is hard. There's no one like him. Or maybe he's like no one else. Anyway, he's unique. I considered going the ego-casting route with someone like Nathan Fillion, because BelSpouse is a huge fan of "Firefly" and Captain Mal Reynolds.

Me too, but for perhaps slightly different reasons.
 Or Robert Downey, Jr., because I could totally go in for pretending to be married to Robert Downey, Jr.

In fact, I may have to imagine that for a while right now.
But neither actor, while cute as a button, is the right physical type. BelSpouse is tall, skinny, and moves around like a stalking gazelle or an R. Crumb character, depending on what he's doing. So I've settled on Hugh Laurie.

BelSpouse also looks good in stubble.
 My daddy can be played by no one except the great Jack Nicholson.

And I think they'd hit it off in person, too.

My mom is tougher, but I think if she could do the Midwest accent, and I have no reason to believe she couldn't, then Julie Walters would be my choice.

If she can be Mrs. Weasley, she can be my mom.
 My sister is easy: Valerie Bertinelli.

She'd have to look better in a bikini to play my sis, though.
My brother, again, not so easy. But I think I'd go with the amazingly talented Paul Giamatti.

On second thought, a pretty easy choice.

 And if you're wondering why I get to look like Jennifer Anniston and my brother gets to look like Paul Giamatti...again, my movie.

There are other casting choices to be made, of course. I know a part that would be perfect for Hugh Grant, and I know I have to find someone to play Drummer Boy, but at this moment I'm stumped. That part is still casting itself in real life. Stay tuned.

Now all we need is a script. I need a writer who can balance screwball comedy with melodrama and plenty of outrageous plot twists.

In which case, I guess I'll write it myself.


  1. Yeah, I've chosen Caroline Rhea to star as me. She doesn't know it yet.

  2. Remember, it's the choice of leading man that makes or breaks the movie - choose well!

  3. Who would play Pdaughter?

  4. I've decided that PDaughter won't show up until the sequel, "Always Drunk II: FML." :)


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