Monday, October 17, 2011

There's No Wingnut Like a Christian Wingnut

Texas Governor Dick Perry is running for President, and I'm all for his little hobby if it keeps him from hanging around Austin trying to govern the state.

Friends of Arnold, he's all yours.
Gov. Perry's wife Anita is not running for President and should not be judged or critiqued in relation to her hsubands' campaign. Candidates' spouses are off-limits as political fodder. You didn't see anyone dragging Hillary Clinton's name through the mud during the 1992 race, did you? Oh, wait...

OK, so the headband and the shoulder pads were hard-to-resist targets.
 But I'm here to tell you that my grave concerns about Candidate Dick Perry have nothing to do with his wife's positions or proclamations. There is nothing she could say or do that would alter my opinion about her spouse's laughable lack of qualifications for the Presidency. Seriously, the lady could seduce a pack of Cub Scouts on the side of the highway, and I could not conceivably have a lower opinion of Candidate Dick.

There's a merit badge for THAT?! Yes, MA'AM!
 Still, if someone makes a stupid comment, I don't care if she's running for First Lady or a gig on "Survivor." And if someone stands up and starts blubbering in front of an audience about how mean people are being to her man, then I'm going to take notice.

That's why I've always respected Cher. No one was going to say anything bad
about Sonny that she hadn't already repeated every week on national television.
 Last Thursday, Mrs. Dick Perry gave a speech at North Greenville University in South Carolina.  Here's an excerpt from her comments:

"It's been a rough month. ... We are being brutalized by our opponents, and by our own party. So much of that is...because of his faith. He is the only true conservative – well, there are some true conservatives. And they’re there for good reasons. And they may feel like God called them too. But I truly feel like we are here for that purpose."

Oh, honey, where do I start? First, your grammar. Doesn't anyone know the difference between like and as if any more? This just bugs me to no end. You can feel like an idiot. But you feel as if you've been called, as idiotic as that concept is.

But let's focus on what you said, Mrs. Dick Perry, instead of your tearful folksy twang. First: God has never, ever called anyone to be a politician. To lead, sure. To seek power, hell no. He didn't tell Jesus to run for Pharisee.

Vote for Jesus in '33, or I prophesy lamb chops.

Second: If both the opposing party and your own party think your husband is laying on the God trip a little thick, that's not being brutalized. That's being led to the well of common sense in the hope that he'll take a drink and spill some of it on himself.

Third: If the factions that resist being proselytized on the campaign trail outnumber those that support it, we have a name for that phenomenon. It's called democracy. It's not unfair, or mean.

Fourth: If you and your hubby think you're destined to occupy the White House even though the voting body doesn't agree with you in sufficient numbers to make it happen, then you belong to an exclusive club. Its other members include Castro, Chavez, and Kim Jong Il.

It's ronery at the top.

Fifth: I don't believe anyone is "brutalizing" your man over his faith. For one thing, the word "brutalize" conjures up images of sweaty hillbillies shouting "Squeal like a pig!" while banjo music plays, and I don't think that's what you mean to imply has been Candidate Dick's experience. Although if it has been, maybe he should share, because it's bound to be more interesting than anything I've heard him say about taxes or the Middle East.

I'll bet Joe Biden never falls alseep during Deliverance.

Outside of hardcore atheists and that smug bastard Stephen Hawking, most voters don't have a problem with people having or professing faith, even faith that is different from their own. In case you've forgotten, Jews and Muslims in this country have been voting for Christians for centuries. But most voters do have a problem with hypocrisy. And when someone like your husband stands up and says, "Government is too large and intrusive, and by the way, God told me to tell women what to do with their bodies and make little girls get vaccinated against STDs," then intelligent people are going to sense a disconnect there. So if Candidate Dick is a "true conservative," he should stop hiding in the folds of God's robes and take ownership of his positions, especially the ones that make Christianity look like a steel cage match between morality and complete freaking insanity.

Oh my goodness, this is awesome. Click here to see it bigger.
In conclusion, Mrs. Candidate Dick Perry, here's some advice for your husband. There are plenty of reasons not to support him besides his faith. Lots and lots and lots. Maybe he should be running for Sunday School teacher if he really wants to share his beliefs with others. I'll bet he'd be good at it. And maybe a bunch of little kids won't make you cry the way the grown-ups do when they say bad things about him. You could sit in on a few of his classes, too. You might learn something.

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