Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Is There Intelligent Life on Planet Marriage?

I wanted to write a funny post today about last night's Tea Party Republican debate. Because there's nothing funnier than a bunch of Republicans accusing Texas Governor Rick Perry of being too liberal.

Actually, "Samurai Nosferatu" totally might be funnier.
If it was a John Belushi sketch from 1977.
Anyway, while clicking around the Intertubes looking for quips and bon mots uttered during the debate (and there were some shits and giggles for sure), I found something even more fun to write about: A wheelbarrow full of puppies!

We need a national sales tax - and Milk Bones! Arf!
No, wait. As adorable as that picture is, that's not what I found. I found this article on the Huffington Post by Mindy R. Smith. It's called "Ten Signs Your Marriage Is Headed for Divorce." Hilarious, right? OK, maybe not on the face of it.

None of my seven ex-wives think divorce is funny! Bitches!
By the way, speaking of Mickey Rooney, has anyone besides me noticed this?

No? Sorry - I've got temporary ADD today. I'll try to stay on message. Uh...Republicans, right? No, samurai vampires. No, puppies!

*blogger smacks herself upside head with empty coffee mug*

I'm better now. Divorce! That's it! Mindy R. Smith's funny article about divorce. So she's a divorce attorney, which to me sounds both lucrative and depressing, and over the years she's seen all these red flags that typically point to couples' splitting up. And her list got me wondering if I'm even doing marriage right. Or if everyone else is doing it wrong. Or if some people really should get the hell out of the gene pool and go colonize some new world where gnawing off your own leg is actually considered an intelligent thing to do.

Which reminds me of puppies! Stop that. Bad brain.
 Anyway, I thought I'd summarize the list and compare it to the reality of my own marriage, such as it is. Maybe I'll learn something. Maybe after 21 years of failing miserably at getting divorced, I can finally get it right. Or wrong. Or something.

So, according to Mindy R. Smith, you may be headed for divorce if:

(Counting backwards from #10 because that's how the author did it)

10. Your spouse is Facebooking with his high school sweetheart on a daily basis. Well, that's my problem right off the bat. Beloved Spouse has a Facebook account, but only because I set it up for him so I could hire him to harvest my crops on Farm Town. He's never actually Facebooked - is that a verb now? wow, that sucks - in his life. He's also not e-mailing his high school sweetheart. I would bet five dollars he doesn't even know what his e-mail password is. Also, I'm pretty sure his high school sweetheart was a bong. Or possibly an Escher poster. But mostly I married a technological Cro-Magnon. My bad, divorce-wise.

9. Your spouse has gained more than 20% of his body weight. Hmm. I've gained more than 20% of his body weight. But that seems to bother me a hell of a lot more than it bothers him. BelSpouse had to give up most red meat and junk food for health reasons a few years ago, plus he has the metabolism of a hyperthyroidal meth addict, so weight is not an issue for him. Hey, is this article insinuating that I'm so shallow I would divorce him just because he got fat? That's insulting. Now, leaving used Q-Tips on the coffee table, that's an issue that just might send me packing one of these days.

Oh yes he does.
 8. Your spouse is donning sexy new underwear all of a sudden. Uh-oh. He did a get a bunch of new undies recently. Tighty-whiteys count as sexy, right? 

Seriously, BelSpouse and I agree that underwear is that stuff you remove in order to get to the sexy parts. If either of us started wearing expensive thongs or whatnot, it would be a sign of brain damage, not infidelity.

7. If your spouse lies around all day, yet the house needs cleaning. Mindy R. Smith states: "Being married is not a time for laziness." A messy house is not a sign of laziness! In my house, it's a sign that I really, really hate doing housework. I won't hire someone to do it, either, for the same reason I don't like to get pedicures or go through airport security: I don't want strangers touching my junk. I probably should have had a bigger labor pool more kids.

Who's going to clip Mommy's toenails today?
 The thing is, BelSpouse and I share equal blame when it comes to lying around not cleaning. We periodically try to accuse one another of not keeping the house neat, but the hypocrisy gets to us every time. I say, the key to a successful marriage is being bothered by different types of mess. BelSpouse has a thing about clutter and will spend an hour picking up every stray sock, magazine, and empty soda can in the house (but not Q-Tips - go figure). I, on the other hand, will happily ignore clutter, but I freak out over bread crumbs on the kitchen counter or toothpaste spots in the bathroom sink.  In this way the house reaches an acceptable level of cleanliness, so we can lie around in peace.

6. If your spouse is secretive with his cell phone. BelSpouse thinks his cell phone is being secretive with him. If he ever wanted to conceal his call history or delete incriminating text messages, he would have to get me to do it for him. The man is never going to cheat on me using any form of technology more sophisticated than a lap dance. Apparently not enough women are marrying Cro-Magnons these days. They're very trustworthy, and once you get used to the sloped forehead, they're pretty cute, too.

5. If your spouse makes you write down everything you spend money on. Now, the article says this is "a classic sign of a controlling and emotionally abusive spouse." I couldn't agree more. And that is a total marriage deal-breaker for me. So BelSpouse and I have taken the relationship-protective step of not keeping track of any of our expenses. We throw wads of bills at store employees and assume they'll give us correct change. We send our mortgage company a blank check every month, because who doesn't trust America's financial institutions? In addition to keeping our marriage safe from the specter of abusive behavior, we get to be pleasantly surprised every time the gas station doesn't reject our debit card. I don't really get that some couples break up over money. I dream of having enough money to break up over.

4. If your spouse no longer wants to have sex with you. Good Lord, I'm going to be married for 600 years.

3. If your spouse spends more time on the tennis courts than with you. I'm pretty sure "tennis courts" is a metaphor for any hobby or activity that takes precedence over spending time together. Otherwise, if BelSpouse started spending a lot of time on the tennis courts I'd ask him what the hell he was doing, since he's got weak ankles and a bad knee and doesn't own a tennis racket.

This is not a good look for him, anyway.
When BelSpouse doesn't spend time with me, it's usually because I'm being a bitch, or because he's engrossed in the world's most boring documentary about the Punic Wars. In the former case, he's not to blame, and in the latter, I don't want to be in the room when he starts talking about Carthaginian naval innovations in the wake of the Battle of Argigentum. We still manage plenty of quality time together. See #4.

2. If your spouse cruises singles bars after work. Wait, what? That had to be spelled out? In that case, why not include "If your spouse lunges at you with a garrotte" or "If your spouse sends you an invitation to his next wedding"? Seriously, husbands and wives, if you need to be told explicitly that going to singles bars when you're married is a bad thing, then you must have had one hell of a good pre-nup. Wow.

1. If your spouse wants you to swing with your neighbors. This is why you have to thoroughly vet your neighborhood before you buy a house. You want to see well-kept yards, convenient amenities, and ugly, ugly neighbors. That's just common-sense due diligence. Honestly, failing to take this simple step is a sign that you're not committed the success of your marriage, either.

So I've failed this test miserably, scoring zero out of 10. Sorry, divorce-lawyer lady. I guess I'll have to stick with my spouse, warts and all. I can't believe warts didn't make the list. Or Q-Tips. BelSpouse and I clearly have no idea how to make our marriage fail. We'll keep working on it. Give us another 30 or 40 years. Maybe he'll learn how to send a text message by then.


  1. Thanks! I'm taking medication for that!

  2. Too funny!
    I'm following on GFC now, but honestly, I never remember to go look at my GFC blogs. I look it as more a form of support for fellow bloggers than anything else. ;-)
    Have you considered putting your blog on Twitter or making a fb fan page so those of us with blog ADD can keep up with you?

  3. Thanks, Amanda! You can absolutely follow me on Facebook - mosey on over to http://www.facebook.com/alwaysdrunk. I'm an attention-whore, so you'll make my day by following!


You're thinking it, you may as well type it. The only comments you'll regret are the ones you don't leave. Also, replies to threads make puppies grow big and strong.