Friday, August 12, 2011

Rick Perry Has Nothing Up His Sleeve

It's a semi-official confirmed rumor: Texas Governor Rick Perry is going to announce his candidacy for the 2012 Presidential campaign this weekend.

Happy Happy Joy Joy
You all know what a spectacular job I think Rick Perry has done as Texas governor, if by spectacular you mean I think a rabid possum that's been out in the Texas sun for three days after being hit by an oil truck could do a better job.

No offense to possums.
But I don't want to talk about how Gov. Perry has crippled the state's educational system or refused to maintain federally mandated environmental standards or shown blatant contempt for women, minorities, and the poor. Not at this moment - there's plenty of time for that now that he's decided to share his record of accomplishments with the nation. Today I want to talk about Gov. Perry's alter ego: Reactionario the Magnificent.

Have you ever really looked at pictures of Gov. Perry? He always looks as if he's in the middle of performing some elaborate Vegas-style illusion. Maybe he's a natural showman. Maybe he's a spellbinding storyteller.

Maybe he's Julius from Planet of the Apes.
Seriously, Gov. Perry must have some real prestidigitational skills. His act is seamless.

Ladies and gentlemen, for my next trick I'll need complete silence.
You see, there's nothing here...

...or here.

Hey, what's that over there?

Ta-dah! The hand is quicker than the eye!
Does someone have a good recipe for Lab stew? I kid!

Now I will conjure the spirits of magic...

Look, the puppy has turned into diamonds. And I'm black!
Settle down, fellow Republicans. I'm white, just like all of you.

Sim-sala-bim, scooby-do, waka-flaka...

Behold! I've made the state's Rainy Day Fund disappear!

Thank you, thank you. I couldn't have done it without mind control.
And Jesus.
And let's give it up for my lovely assistant.
I hope she doesn't need health care for her out-of-wedlock
kid! Ha ha! Thank you! I'll be here all week!

 Yep, that's the act he's going to try to take to Washington. Of course, if it makes him disappear from the Governor's Mansion for a while, maybe that's a show worth catching.

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