They Call Me Semi-Sweet

Happy Chocolate Day!

 

I like the sound of that. Not to mention the look.

 

Chocolate rocks.

 

July 7 isn't just a day randomly picked by candy makers to sell more chocolate. It's a day picked by candy makers to sell more chocolate for a specific reason. Supposedly it was on this date in 1550 that chocolate was introduced to Europe. Only a millennium or so after the Aztecs started drinking it with vanilla and chile, but you know how nothing really exists until a white guy in tights says it exists.


Look, I invented a force that has been
 present in nature since the dawn of time!

But I'm all for chocolate. Chocolate is, as the Europeans say, good shit. I love it in all its forms, from the humble Kiss:

 To the decadent fudge square:

 

 

 

To the always mouthwatering chocolate layer cake:

 

 

 

Hungry yet?

 

My personal favorite is chocolate with peanut butter.

 

 

Remember these commercials? (Or should I just ask, "Are you middle-aged?")

 

 

Here are some little-known facts about chocolate to help you celebrate. (Some of these may possibly be made up.)

 

Chocolate-chip cookie dough was enjoyed for nearly 20 years before a man finally asked, "Why don't you bake it first?"

If you bake marijuana into brownies, you make a perfectly good batch of brownies taste funny.

Low-quality chocolate significantly reduces your sex drive. Make sure your partner knows this.

Chocolate served with fruit takes on all the nutritional qualities of the fruit, including fat and calorie count.

Adolf Hitler, Osama bin Laden, and Kim John Il all reportedly were denied chocolate as children.

The best way to spread chocolate frosting is to use a spoon instead of a knife, and your mouth instead of a cake.

Chocolate sauce can be substituted for cheese sauce when making macaroni and cheese. But it will taste nasty.

If you fill a bowl with M&Ms, make a wish, and then eat only one M&M per day until the bowl is empty, your wish will come true. No one has ever been able to discover if this works.

It takes 274 licks to get to the center of a pop that doesn't have a Tootsie Roll in it.

Chocolate is a terrible investment. It doesn't keep, it doesn't appreciate in value, and it can't be made into jewelry. On the other hand, gold tastes awful. 

Chocolate Labs are a misnomer. Do not attempt to make s'mores out of them.

Never eat anything labeled "chocolatey." The "y" stands for "Why are you eating this artificially flavored food-grade coating?"

The most expensive box of chocolates in the store window is not half as tasty as the 69-cent candy bar in your hand. 

So Happy Chocolate Day, and Happy Birthday to Mr. Ringo Starr. I think I'll have a chocolate martini in his honor. Cheers!