Monday, July 18, 2011

Bachelor of Steel

Of all places, it's that has broken the day's most staggering, earth-shaking news: Clark Kent and Lois Lane are breaking up.

Return to your homes, citizens. Remain calm.
This, on top of the breaking news that JLo and Marc "El Ratboy" Anthony are splitsville, clearly establishes TMZ's pre-eminence among worldwide news organizations. Thank goodness the vacuum created by the death of "News of the World" has been filled so capably.

But don't count out the Weekly World News.
Still, this is serious business. DC Comics apparently needs several more dump-trucks full of money and has resorted to a reboot of the Superman franchise. And it will take three separate soon-to-be-collectible comic books to accomplish the enrichment of DC's coffers in this fashion.

They've always been jealous of that bastard
cash-cow duck over at Disney Comics.
But there's more. According to, it's not just Superman but the entire DC Comics universe that will be getting axed and reborn, resulting in a slate of 52 comics beng lucratively renumbered #1. That's mind-boggling, and not just because of the frightening implication that there are enough dorks with money out there to support so much nerdish literature. At least they're not spending all that money on hard drugs or cures for cancer.

Um, excuse me: No banging your head on the display
case, please. It contains a very rare Mary Worth in which
she has advised a friend to commit suicide. Thank you.
However, it's the news that Clark Kent and Lois Lane will be not only un-married but not even an item that is getting all the mainstream press. Because no one really cares that Aquaman's gills are going to be a different color or that Cyborg, uh, exists. Most of the world knows the following about the Superman universe: Clark Kent loves Lois Lane, and Superman wears a cape and red undies.

Well, hold on to your tights, people:

His undies are now blue!!! Um, either that, or he's removed them and is going around in just his blue leotard. There seems to be an awful lot of packaging on display there, if you know what I mean. Outlines and such. Just saying.

To recap: Clark Kent and Lois Lane are back to being colleagues-without-benefits and at some point presumably will begin their excruciating decades-long cocktease romance all the hell over again, because obviously no one who was born before 1990 will find that tedious and repetitive. And Superman's shorts are either blue or he's decided the Man of Steel don't need no verdammt cup.

So grab your acid-free document bags and stock up on Bugles, because you're going to have a whole lot of new comic literature to pore over starting in September. Or take a walk in the brisk fall air and maybe adopt a shelter animal. You know, they could both be fun. If you're into that sort of thing. *cough*

Me, I'll be hunting down more vintage issues of Scrooge McDuck for my collection. Scrooge McDuck rocks. What are you looking at?

Disclaimer: I have a deep and abiding love for geeks, nerds, dorks, and their ilk. And for comic books, although I'm the type who smudges up the covers and cuts out the coupons to order Sea Monkeys. So don't go all con-panel-elitist on me. And I've always thought Lois Lane was a ninny.

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