Thursday, June 23, 2011

Five Random Bits of Wisdom

Here are some pieces of information I find worthy of passing along to you, my wonderful readers, on this fine day. Don't worry, you won't learn anything.

1. Krazy Glue warnings are not exaggerating. When they say "Don't get this shit on you because it sticks like ugly to ape," they mean it. I just noticed that my right-hand pinky nail is shiny. I haven't put on nail polish in ages, so I know it's not remnants of an old manicure. But I did use some Krazy Glue last weekend to fix a piece of laminate countertop that had come loose. Apparently, a drop got on my pinky nail, and despite showering every day and washing my hands and doing dishes and laundry and other soap-and-watery things since then, it's still there. In fact, I just tried scraping it off, and the top layer sort of flaked off, but only a little. I think it's there until the nail grows out, unless I want to soak my finger in Goo Gone. And I do not. Conclusion: Krazy Glue does not mess around, folks.

Imagine if he had put this on his butt.
2. My stage name has been taken. On the Nickelodeon show "iCarly," there is recurring character called T-Bo. He works at a smoothie shop, where he sells various food items (including tacos) on a stick. Funny guy. He's played by an actor who is listed in the show's credits as BooG!e. Which is perhaps the most awesome stage name ever, and I'm sad that my long-held dream of using it as my own alias will now never come true due to SAG regulations.

His real name is Bobby Bowman.
Wouldn't you go by BooG!e instead?
3. The people who make U.S. drug laws must be on drugs. Anti-drug crusaders and the United States government oppose the legalization or decriminalization of marijuana on the grounds that it has no medical uses and is a "gateway drug." I think these people mostly still believe the damn hippies are going to take over America unless something is done to stop them, or else are offering their opinion under the influence of completely safe and legal Everclear. I'm not going to argue whether pot should be legal, but it's interesting to look at the reasons why it isn't.

It's estimated that a million people or so use marijuana for medicinal purposes. While I'm sure some of those "patients" suffer primarily from acute "I really like getting high," there's compelling evidence that pot can stimulate appetite, suppress nausea, and ease pain. All of which sound pretty medically useful to me. By comparison, PCP is considered "medically useful" because a long time ago it was used an anesthetic, before people started calling it "angel dust" and dying of overdoses in cheap motels.

Also, anti-pot evangelists really push the idea that using marijuana leads directly to hard drug use, moral turpitude, and promotions within the vice squad. The truth is, although pot is widely considered a "gateway drug," many of the drugs it's supposed to be a gateway to are classified as less dangerous substances than pot itself. Cocaine, morphine, PCP, and methamphetamine are all considered "Schedule II" drugs, while marijuana is a "Schedule I" drug. In other words, to paraphrase from the really thought-provoking documentary "A Chronic History," weed is allegedly a gateway to less-harmful drugs than itself. Which is sort of like outlawing chocolate because it makes people crave broccoli.

Pretty soon you'd have people mainlining salads and whatnot.
Forgive me for believing that if the government is going to spend billions of dollars harassing college students and glaucoma patients, it should at least sit down and come up with some better reasons.

4. Georgia has the coolest State Capitol building in America. The Capitol building in Atlanta has its own museum showcasing various items from the state's rich and varied history. About 50,000 schoolchildren tour the Capitol every year, and the museum is their favorite part. Why? Because along with exhibits about the state's geography, archaeology, and culture, it features a stuffed and mounted two-headed calf. For a time I traveled to Atlanta quite a lot for business, and I feel like an idiot for never making a pilgrimage to this shrine to polycephaly.

It would be even cooler if the heads
were named Scarlett and Rhett.
5. Leslie Nielsen's epitaph is a fart joke. I don't know what more to say, except I hope he's in Heaven asking St. Peter to pull his finger every single day. 
Who knew that "RIP" wasn't actually an acronym?
Now go do something productive. You've wasted enough time. Or you could try to decipher the secret code I've embedded in today's post. Hint: It's probably easier to see if you have a little weed first.


  1. As bizarre as this sounds, nail polish remover will probably remove the Krazy Glue from your nail. Give it a try.


  2. So funny - I was watching the same Marijuana documentary last night. I think you're spot on.

    And anecdotally, I'd so much rather be hanging out with people who are stoned than people who are drunk.

    Just saying.

  3. I'm awesome when I'm drunk. Baby unicorns and soft pink chuzzles dance around me, begging for stories.

  4. Nail polish remover with ACETONE will take that sticky stuff right off. I recently un-Krazy Glued (that's a technical term, look it up) two of my fingers.


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