So rather than expound upon any brilliant ideas at this point in the New Year, I've decided simply to present a list of Things That Make Me Mad Because I Didn't Think of Them First. Vicariously enjoy my bile, won't you?
- "Pants on the Ground" - General Larry Platt, you've created a simple, maddeningly catchy ditty and ridden it to superstardom. You're a civil rights crusader, a musical visionary, and a really sweet old dude. And you managed to charm the socks off Simon Cowell and the other American Idol judges while becoming world-famous. I adore your song. Fuck you.
- Sleep Talkin' Man - Quite simply, the funniest blog on Blogspot. Hey, I'm on Blogspot. And you are funnier than I am, plus you post, like, every day. Crap.
- Lost - I'm pretty sure that this is the TV show most would-be writers would have written if only they had thought of it (and had the balls to pitch it to a network) first. I only started watching it on DVD in June 2009, and as of tonight I'm finally caught up and waiting with everyone else for Season 6 to start on February 2. Really, this can be done on TV and millions will eat it up? Well, shit, thanks for telling me.
- G4 - An entire network for smarty-pants geeks. They watch a lot of TV, and they have a ton of disposable income to spend on things they see advertised (try not buying absinthe martinis or Blow Jobs for a few weeks and see how much you save up). I personally spent most of today watching "Campus PD" and laughing my ass off. Why did I never realize what a great goddamn untapped market homebound losers are?
- Fox News - I never realized that some people actually want to listen to a steady stream of right-wing garbage and unfiltered conspiracy bullshit on national television 24 hours a day. My bad.
- Flavored vodka - I just plain fucking missed out on this one.
- Starbucks - Yeah, forget it. Never in a million years would I have bought into a business plan that involved people paying $6 for a cup of coffee. The evil geniuses who tapped into this one deserve their fame, fortune, and personal circle in hell.
I'm off now to do research on what I feel will be the Next Big Thing: Deep, restful sleep on a comfy bed. Remember, it's my idea. The next time you get a good night's sleep, I expect a royalty check.
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