The Big, Beautiful Letter

 

January19, 2021

"President" Joe Biden

The Beautiful Oval Ovfefe

Washington, DC

Dear Joe:

We both know that I was never going to write you a beautiful love letter like the ones Kim Jong-Un wrote me. Why should I? I'm still the President as I write this, and the Constution Contsitutution Croissanwich  Rudy says the President can do whatever he wants. That's why I just signed a perfect Executive Order renaming the White House "Mar-a-Lago North" in perpetuity. Ivanka just leaned over and told me I should tell you that's a joke. She also told me how to spell perpetuity. 

I will be leaving Washington soon, not because I lost the election but because I hate it here. As you know, I am moving to Palm Beach, where people pay $200,000 to have dinner with me and it's totally legal. This should be how it is everywhere, but Washington is full of elitist Deep State Communist antifa scum. Sean Hannity told me that, and I believe him (but not his failing Fox News). I am taking all the good Secret Service people with me and leaving you with the losers, like Pickle-Dick, Crabby, and the Wetback. Those aren't their real names. You'll find out who I mean when they make you use the bunker.

My son Byron says that in his school, the graduating seniors make mock wills and leave funny things to the underclassmen. I knew that already because I graduated from Wharton and my uncle was a genius. I have a will like no one has ever seen, by the way. I will leave billions of dollars to my family and my creditors if I ever die, which I won't, just so you know. But just like I'm voluntarily leaving the White House even though I could stay if I wanted to, someday I may voluntarily stop living so that my children can take over my very successful company and my extremely impressive debts. You wish you had debts like mine, Joe. I owe more money to Russian  legitimate businessmen than you'll ever see in your life.

So I asked some of my staff, who are also voluntarily resigning at noon on January 20, what they'd like to bequeeeth to your administration. Apparently some of these people are actually Cabinet members, and at least one is my wife, but I call them all my staff. Here's what they said:

• My press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, leaves you her big, beautiful binder full of not-lies, and 37 pairs of false eyelashes.

• Dr. Ben Carson, from HUD, leaves you everything in his office. He says it's all like new and practically unused. Good man.

• Steve Mnuchin, my Treasury guy, leaves you a sheet of uncut dollar bills and two points in the movie he's already started producing about his time in Washington. Good luck, Steve, I'm sure it'll be a big hit, just like Home Alone 2.

• Dan Scavino, my personal coffee boy, leaves you the burner cell phone he used to write my Tweets, but only when I was too busy making many phone calls and having many meetings to do it myself. Dan also says that it's totally unfair that Big Tech censored me and he hates not being able to see what people are saying about me on social media when  I  he gets up every morning.

• Stephen Miller, the Trump Reichsminister für Propaganda, says he would leave you his copy of Hitler's speeches, but he's still using it. That's a very fine book, by the way. Right up there with the Bible, which I've totally read many times.

• Tim Harleth, the great White House usher hired by me when I took office, is not leaving you anything because he plans to stay here a very long time. He'll be right there to open the door when you enter the White House, Joe. You can count on that.

• Jeffrey Rosen, the acting Attorney General, told me a joke when I asked him about this. He said, "Knock knock. Who's there? Justice Department. Justice Department who? Go fuck yourself." Jeff is a funny guy, very funny guy. Sometimes people have to explain his jokes to me. I'll ask Ivanka about this one.

• Jared Kushner, who did very big, very important things in the White House, things no one ever did before, leaves you a key to a warehouse in an undisclosed location. He says you'll have to find out for yourself what's in there, but it's definitely not millions of doses of the COVID-19 vaccine awaiting shipment to Turkey and Saudi Arabia. So you'll just have to wait and see, I guess. I don't know anything about that.

• And last but not least, my beautiful wife Melania, our great First Lady, who will be remembered as the finest First Lady this country ever had for all her First Lady accomplishments, really incredible First Lady things she did, your wife the fake doctor Jill Biden wishes she could be a First Lady like Melania was a First Lady, leaves you a sealed envelope from a law firm. Actually, now that I look I see that it's addressed to me. Sorry, Joe, I guess she didn't leave you anything except the bill from the landscapers. They did an incredible job on the Rose Garden. You probably shouldn't pay them. I didn't.

It's almost time for me to take a crap and order the Secret Service to fetch me my final Big Mac as President. I'm going to miss that. Not being President, that kind of sucked, if you want to know the truth. Also not taking a crap, ha ha. Come to think of it, the American taxpayer will be paying for my Secret Service protection for the rest of my life, so deal with it, haters. I guess there's nothing I'll miss about this place. It was a dump. You can have it. I didn't want a second term anyway. 

Good luck, Sleepy Joe. 

Signed, your best President ever,