Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Stuff, Part 2: Now That's the Stuff

So yesterday I told you about how I was going to have a garage sale.

Way looking forward to that.
But it turns out that instead I have a guardian angel.

The amazing Hawk, loyal Drunkard, talented artist, creator of my amazing Facebook cover page, and super-mega-ultra-Dad, gave me a wonderful alternative to watching strangers judge my stuff and offer me pittances for it.

This weekend the local Boy Scouts...uh, council? pack? troupe?...are having their community garage sale. And Hawk - who has, get this, four sons who have all been Scouts - has volunteered to pick up anything and everything I might want to get rid of and contribute it to the sale.


See also: W00t.
I love the idea of raising money for some great kids. I love the idea of my things going to new homes. I really love the idea of being able to sleep in on Saturday.

I'll be in my blanket fort if you need me.
And so, instead of posting pictures of my stuff, as I mentioned last night, I get to post something fun.

How about a list? Lists are fun.

This one is called "Top 10 Things the New Hamburglar Makes Me Feel."

Have you seen the new Hamburglar?

Robble fucking robble.
What up, McDonald's?

Next up: The new Grimace.
So yeah. Top Ten Things the New Hamburglar Makes Me Feel.

1. Fedora is on point.

2. Horizontal stripes...such couture cred.

3. Um. McStubble.

4. Can I wear your mask?

5. Red pleather gloves leave no tell-tale fingerprints on anything.

6. That is one goddamn lucky hamburger you're holding.

7. Your tie is cheeseburger-patterned. I want to nibble them all.

8. What did you do to make your coat so wrinkly, baby?

9. Imma wipe that smirk off your face with a flimsy paper napkin.

10. I do believe you just deep-fried my cherry pie.

All that and a sesame-seed bun.

Well, that was a lot more fun than obsessing over a freaking garage sale.

Thanks, Hawk.


  1. Kudos to Hawk! And to you! I'm on the fence about the new Hamburgler. As someone trying to lose weight, I don't want to be attracted to a man who is a klepto, but only of meat patties.

    Then again, he could steal mine and I'd lose that weight because I have absolutely no will power.

  2. Hooray for Hawk! What a bad-ass! That is an excellent idea on so many levels. We love him forever now.

    I had not seen the new Hamburglar until now, but I agree with your list 100%! Yowsa! I'm going to start leaving a cheeseburger trail up a ladder, through my window, and right into my giant squirrel trap -- I mean bed.

  3. As an Eagle Scout I'm glad your stuff is going to help a local troop. And I'm sure you have some fun stuff that the Scouts will have a good time tossing back and forth before they sell it, so, really, wins all around.

    And also I'd like to shout out to Hawk, who works with the Scouts and is good with computers. That's fantastic. Me, I can start a fire with a pocketknife and a piece of flint, but can't do diddly with HTML. That's the right term, right?

  4. That's lovely. I think I know you well enough to be able to feel what a heartwrenching experience it would have been to see people buy your life and memories at throwaway prices.

  5. I once asked someone to leave my property because he offended me by offering me a dollar for a whole box full of memories (and laughed at me when I told him that I would rather keep them than sell them to him). So, yeah -- I get it. And as the mother of a former Cub Scout, I approve of your solution.

  6. Yes, "Hawk" is a great dad and a great guy! It's a lot easier to donate your stuff to a Scout sale than to actually have your own garage sale.

  7. Yes, "Hawk" is a great dad and a great guy! It's a lot easier to donate your stuff to a Scout sale than to actually have your own garage sale.


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