Get ready for an earworm.
|OMG, Google, I love you so much.|
|The year was 1986. We were all wearing oversize shirts,|
pleated pants, and, uh, kimono blouses, I guess.
|Remember Peter Cetera's hair?|
Peter Cetera, the former lead singer of Chicago, had decided that Chicago simply rocked too hard with songs like "Colour My World" and "No Tell Lover" and struck out on his own with his mellow vibe and incredible golden waves of feathery blondeness. His first solo effort was the theme song to The Karate Kid, Part II, "The Glory of Love." Even if you didn't see the movie, the song was everywhere. And on MTV, the video was in extra-super-mega-hard-heavy rotation for a large part of 1986.
And if you're under 40, chances are you don't know what the hell I'm talking about. So here's the video; prepare to be devoured by the 1980s for the next four and a half minutes.
Pastels? Check. Japanese imagery? Check. Awkwardly incorporated film clips? Check. Peter Cetera gazing soulfully into the camera while layers of keyboards wash over you like ocean waves?
Damn, I think I just checked myself.
Anyway. I have to own this song as part of my '80s experience, just as much as working at a video store and wearing brightly colored oversized blazers and drinking wine coolers.
But as part of my older-but-wiser, 21st-century experience, I have to say that "The Glory of Love" contains some of the creepiest, least emotionally healthy lyrics I've ever heard.
I didn't realize that in the '80s. Believe it or not, young women of 2015, in 1986 it was considered romantic for a man to sing lines like "I am a man who will fight for your honor/I'll be the hero that you're dreaming of."
We wanted a 40-year-old pop crooner to save us from dishonor. Or at least promise he would do so in a Top 40 power ballad.
|May I also remind you that this was|
considered the face of female empowerment
at the time. The '80s were weird.
Today I hear those lyrics and I think: Well, thank you, Mr. Peter Cetera, but if we're even going to cling to the outdated notion that my honor is something to be defended, it's goddamn well going to be me who defends it.
And to quote Alice Childress (who truly is to be admired), a hero ain't nothin' but a sandwich.
Yet as nostalgically corny as those lines are, let's not forget that they are immediately preceded by these:
Sometimes I just forget
Say things I might regret
It breaks my heart to see you crying
I don't wanna lose you
I could never make it alone
If you've ever been in an abusive relationship, you may be shuddering right now.
If you've never been in an abusive relationship and think those words are kind of sweet and charming...I'm going to suggest some self-care and "you" time, because this is not what you deserve. Trust me.
|If you don't believe me, perhaps you'll believe|
beloved grumpy cat Tardar Sauce.
I have always needed you
I could never make it alone
Two pieces of advice:
1. Don't ever say this to another person
2. If another person ever says this to you, RUN.
I hate to think that Peter Cetera's picture appears in the dictionary next to the word "co-dependent." But shit, man.
Please tell me we've evolved from thinking this is a love song and not grounds for a restraining order.
Wait, one more couplet, because facepalm.
Just in time I will save the day
Take you to my castle far away
I have excellent credit, and I'll buy my own castle, thanks.
You can live there with me and help pay the bills, as long as you don't get caught up in your Prince Charming fantasies.
Christ on a sidecar.
|Google fucking rocks.|
Peter Cetera: Love your voice. Love your '80s hair. Hate those lyrics.
Ralph Macchio: Where are you? You totally deserve a Robert Downey, Jr. - size comeback.
P.S. I miss MTV, yo.