Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Fun with Groupon

I was on Groupon today, looking for hot local deals at a great price.

No, really, I was. I mean, OK, Groupon and I have had our problems. But no hard feelings. Even though they never have what I really want.

Is this too much to ask? I'll pay for a collar and leash.
And whatever the Basset hound needs, too.
Still, you can find a lot of really cool stuff on Groupon. Judging from the photos, at least. I don't have time to read a lot of fine print, I'm very busy looking at online comics and trolling gun nuts on Twitter. But from what I can see, there are bargains galore on quality goods and services to be found.

Check out just a few of what I assume they are, based on these actual photos from the Dallas Groupon page:

Squid eyeballs, assorted sizes, on display stands. 57% off retail.

Giant tire moving service. 32% off retail.

Custom-made clothing for your sex doll. Over 100 sold.

A night of bowling with the Invisible Man. 41% off retail.

A punch dead square in the face. 34% off.

Specialty massage to remove large, throbbing forehead veins. Top rated deal.

A sternly delivered warning from a thug with a switchblade. 24% off.

Pair of 30-year-old used roller skates, with socks. Almost gone!

Treatment for one enormous foot. 71% off.

Cleavage-watching party. Quantities limited.

Eye replacement (left only). 17% off retail.

Pre-used puppy training pads. Make great gifts.

Fulfillment of one oddly specific fetish. 69% off.

Straight-up murder of a foe, nemesis, or rival. Click here.

Remember, these are limited-time offers, so don't delay. And if you're looking for the perfect gift for the blogger in your life, let's just say I know a couple of people who could use a sternly delivered warning.

2 comments:

  1. Could I get a special rate on that bottom one? I need to have someone murdered.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Damn. I paid full price for a night of bowling with Claude Raines. I'd better check Groupon before I purchase that darts game with Boris Karloff.

    ReplyDelete

You're thinking it, you may as well type it. The only comments you'll regret are the ones you don't leave. Also, replies to threads make puppies grow big and strong.