Monday, August 18, 2014

Guest Blog: Best Writer's Block EVER


OMG, another guest post! I hope you guys are enjoying these, because these are all bloggers I personally love to read. But more than that, I'm thrilled (and, frankly, shocked) that (so far) three such talented writers have agreed to lend their voices to this little blog of mine.

I'm pretty sure she's hotter than these characters.
Today I present a post from Michelle from Rubber Shoes in Hell. I adore her voice and her knack for moving between humor and personal drama with skill and honesty. She makes me laugh, a lot (well, quite a bit of credit goes to her co-worker, Priscilla Queen of the Cubicle, as well). If you haven't added Michelle to your blog roll, you should, because she's totally worth your valuable time.

Take it away, lady.

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I love writing guest posts and I was thrilled to say yes when Chuck asked me to write a guest post for Always Drunk. 

I love this blog, I love the way Chuck thinks, plus she writes about booze so what is not to love?

That being said, the moment I said that I would write a guest post, my brain shriveled up and the only thing left in my head is this hollowed out place that smells like a smoldering campfire and marshmallow fluff. 

Writer's block: It's a big angry Sta-Puft Man.
I haven’t had a moment of writer’s block since I started blogging back in 2010. I worried about writer’s block, but I never had writer’s block. 

Until I started writing this post. 

So, this is what we’re going to do. We are going to learn how to cure writer’s block by writing through this shit. 

Welcome to my brain: (sorry, Chuck) 

I wonder how many minutes I have left until retirement? Don’t be stupid. You don’t get to retire. You’ll have to work at least a month after you die. What is the best job for a corpse? Wonder if I can find a continuing education class on corpse work?  

Why do we accept that money makes a person wealthy? That’s dumb. I say we throw this system out and make dust bunnies our currency. I have enough under my bed to buy a beach house. I should really clean out under my bed. What if I die? The world will know what a slob I am and also might find that flip flop I’ve been missing since 2012. 

What is an Iggy Azalea?

I can’t remember what voice I heard in my head before I became aware of Samuel L Jackson. All he ever says is ‘Please, continue, you were saying something about best intentions’. Yeah, but you only hear that at the end of the weekend when you let both days pass and still didn’t clean the bathrooms. The rest of the time, it’s just cursing. 

We should amend the saying ‘It’s 5 o’clock somewhere’ to ‘it’s 5 o’clock somewhere in space and time’ because if it’s 4:34 Eastern Standard Time, then in it is 5 o’clock nowhere on earth. 

I can’t hear a Bob Marley song without wanting to move to Colorado or Washington.

Happiness, is what this is.
Since I started writing this post, the song ‘Happy’ has been going through my brain. It won’t stop. I was blissfully unaware of this song until fairly recently. I blame Pharrell for my writer’s block. How is anyone supposed to be able to write anything if they’re distracted by wondering how being a room without a roof is happy? I would think a room without a roof is just an unfinished house. Or one that went through some weather disaster. 

Why would you think writing a blog post on a Monday is a good idea? Okay, this IS better than actually doing work. You know, that stuff they pay me to do while I’m sitting here. 

Is happiness really the truth?

It’s only 97 hours and 22 minutes until happy hour. 

Yay for calculators! Because 24 multiplied by 4 is too much to calculate by hand. 

I could use a drink. 

Okay, perhaps we didn’t learn much about curing writer’s block from this post, but I at least learned that if I close my eyes and pay attention to my thoughts I have a deeper understanding of why I drink. 

*******

And if I may be allowed to selectively address some of Michelle's questions:

Re: Wealth. I propose that the global economy move to the clumps-of-my-dog's-fur-that-clings-to-the-baseboards standard. Not only would I be rich, but also I'd have more than enough wealth to share with my friends and followers.

Re: Happiness. If Pharrell says happiness is the truth, I'm going to go with it. Because clearly the man has not aged since approximately 1989, so he must know something the rest of us don't. Even if I don't really understand the "room without a roof" bit.

Only the hats have changed.
Re: Calculators. Someone walked off with my calculator at
work, so I refuse to do any part of my job that involves math. If I can get someone to walk off with my keyboard, I'll have the sweetest job on the planet.

Re: I could use a drink. I could use a drink.

Read Rubber Shoes in Hell, guys! Thanks, Michelle!



If you want to do a guest post, let me know at cbaudelaire(at)always-drunk.com. Or give me a cool idea for a post, and I'll write it and give you credit for all 12 of my readers to see.

Can't beat that with a stick, can you?

11 comments:

  1. How am I supposed to get anything done at work or home when you keep giving me blogs to read, Chuck? I'm soooo going to end up like Jabba.

    But it is well worth it! I need a blog now! I have nothing to write about because I'm kinda boring, but I like the little inner circle thing you have going lol...

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  2. Oh fuck, Smee, I have NO inner circle. I'm an outsider and a freak. That said, you don't have to have a blog to do a guest post. Just sayin'...

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  3. OoOoh! Someone new to stalk! Her brain works like mine does, so I love her already! You know some of the bestest people on the interwebs. I'm so glad I stalk you...

    I've also always wondered about that 5 o'clock thing too. Does it count when it's in the ocean? I'm going to answer myself with a yes, because the ocean is liquid and so is alcohol. There's also a clock without batteries in my kitchen that's stuck on 5, so it's always 5 o'clock in my house. Let's get drunk and talk about how much we despise my ex.

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  4. WOO HOO! There I am! And I alerted Priscilla that she was mentioned...she liked that. She is SUCH an attention whore.

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  5. I love me some Rubber Shoes in Hell!

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  6. It is too five o'clock on the broken alarm clock I've been meaning to throw away. Five o'clock always.

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  7. Man, I wish I had THIS kind of writer's block. Hilarious. Love Michelle's blog and humor.
    Instead of "5:00 somewhere" I usually say "It's 5:00 Some Beer" and just drink beer. No one has questioned me yet.
    p.s. I have no clue what an Iggy Azalea is, an STD? A fake flower? But I legit thought Demi Lovato was one of those half-bras from Victoria's Secret for over a year. Not that it matters, they don't make those in DDD I'm sure, but I laughed when someone told me that is actually a person.

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    1. I thought Duck Dynasty was a cartoon.

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  8. How fun to read this. I don't ever want to read serious blogs again. Life is too short.
    Speaking of which, I have listened to 'Happy' about a zillion times and finally heard the 'room without a roof' line this morning. I much prefer a window with no curtains.
    You guys make me laugh.

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  9. Perhaps an Iggy Azalea is a Stooges groupie?

    -Doug in Oakland

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