Heaven in a Motherlovin' Bowl

Soup - it's what's for any damn meal you like.

Cue the old-time gospel music, because I'm going to testify: Besides a big soggy pizza dripping with greasy cheese, soup is the best shit there is for putting in a hungry tummy. Can I get an amen? Please us Lord Jesus, but I love soup.

And soup loves me.

Lately I've been eating this here original concoction for lunch, and I'm going to share the recipe with you, because you need this.

Take a bowl of black bean soup. Panera Bread has a black bean soup that will make you slap yourself in the face until your eyes water, but in a good way. They sell it in grocery stores, but it's effing hard to find, at least where I am. Note: If you live in North Texas and you're buying up my Panera black bean soup, knock it the hell off. OK, we good.

Now, heat up a bowl of those sweet Nubian beans, then add several drops of Sriracha. Don't go crazy here - if you mask the flavor of the soup with spicy spiciness, you've ruined the whole goddamn thing. You want it to kick - like maybe in the kneecap or the base of the spine. But not in the face. Never the face.

Dear Matthew Inman:
I shamelessly stole your iconic
drawing of Sriracha sauce for my blog.
I would be honored to be sued by you.

Then drop some little pretzels right down in there. That's right, pretzels.

I am and shall ever be
a sucker for cheesy .gifs.

Don't crunch them all up, what's wrong with you? You probably put saltine crackers in your chili, too. Don't be an asshole.

Anyway, sit down, it's time to eat. All you gotta do is spoon up one whole pretzel with every spoonful of them hot beans. Eat. Add pretzels as needed to make it all come out even. See, this is a meal even folks with OCD can appreciate.

Unlike alphabet soup.
Seriously, OCDers, can you even face this stuff?

There you have it: Black bean soup with Sriracha and pretzels. I call it Black Bean Soup with Sriracha and Pretzels. Because calling it Wilbur would be stupid.

Anyway, choirs of angels will drop down from Heaven and kiss you in joyful places when you eat this. Really. No, really. Also, it's vegetarian, low fat, high in fiber, zero cholesterol. I don't think it's gluten free because of the pretzels, but I don't give a flying fornication about gluten free. Or paleo. Don't get me started on paleo.

In sum: Eat this.