Talking Points

OK, Republicans and Democrats. Put the gloves down for a minute and listen to a puny voter.

Not that it would be so bad if you simply
beat each other to death.

I'm going to pretend that I'm in charge. And I'm going to tell you, because you can't get over the silly notion that your job is to convince people that everything the other side thinks is wrong, what you should be talking about at your respective conventions. And in your campaign commercials, your photo ops, your party platforms, and your speeches.

Just for shits and giggles, you understand. Because I know you guys believe that ideology and party rhetoric trump the opinions of mere, whaddayacallem, individuals. But I'm going to pretend you're listening and give you some talking points for the upcoming election.

Please.

OK, first...stop talking about abortion. It ain't none of your business what medical procedures my doctor and I decide I should have. Don't wrap it up in "sanctity of life" bullshit. The bottom line is, you're telling doctors how to practice medicine and women how to conduct their lives. If you want fewer abortions, educate, don't legislate. This goes for both parties. I don't want to hear about the issue from a government perspective at all. It's not your place to affirm or condemn private behavior.

The same goes for gay marriage. Just as with abortion, there are moral and spiritual issues that inform people's views on whether same-sex couples should enjoy the legal protections of marriage. I respect that. But I'm not voting for moral or spiritual leaders. I'm voting for representation that will protect me and my country from material harm. Define marriage as a legal contract between consenting adults, then step away. For the record, I'm equally sick of the terms "gay-friendly" and "traditional values."

What part of "My kingdom is not on Earth"
do you people not understand?

Next, fix the damn economy. Don't tell me the other party's ideas are stupid. Don't tell me yours are awesome. Neither party has a lock on stupid or awesome ideas, which is why politicizing the economic recovery has done more harm to this country than the recession ever did. Instead, talk together about this stunning fact: Corporate profits in this country have reached an all-time high while wages have sunk to an all-time low and family net worth has plunged to its lowest level in 20 years. Then listen together to find out which figure is more important to voters.

And how about this: No personal attacks. I don't want to hear about draft deferments, or birth certificates, or heartless Republicans or secret-Muslim Democrats. I don't care if someone made an off-color joke once or lit up a doobie in college. Obviously, I don't want to elect a child molester. But this fallacy that being an asshole sometimes should disqualify you from public office has sidelined many a potential leader from both sides of the political spectrum. Stop ducking the issues. They're what I'm voting for.

One more, and this is exclusively for the Presidential candidates: Nobody cares who the Vice President is. Everybody knows the VP is the person who goes to the funerals of minor world leaders and lesser natural disasters, and who provides comic relief when we need to break from real-world concerns and/or it's a slow news day. Goofy Joe or Ripped Paul - honestly, you could swap veeps and it wouldn't make a speck of difference who I voted for.

Come to think of it, that might not be a bad idea. A Romney/Biden ticket might be just the thing this election needs to keep you guys from talking about irrelevant issues and focus on what's important: how wacky are these guys?

Anyway, think about it, won't you?