How About Some Headlines?

I haven't done this in a while. Here are some current headlines taken directly from the Dallas Morning News, along with helpful commentary to help my readers understand the important issues of the day. The headlines are totally not made up. The commentary comes from my brain and is therefore not responsible for itself.

Don't blame the Muppet Newsman, either.
Dude's journalistic integrity is solid.

"Many Mexican voters feel government moving in wrong direction"
No, no, say many Mexican voters, El Paso is that way.

"Retail sales probably dipped in May, economists say"
But one of our interns dropped the Magic 8-Ball and the water, like, leaked out, so at this point we're totally guessing, the economists added, sounding not only bored but also suspiciously drunk.

They were also heard to sob,
"God, I've wasted my life. Pass the tequila."

"Should Dallas ban big, sugary sodas?"
Personally I think the health risks of obesity from drinking soda are outweighed by the choking risks from not having anything to wash down our 3/4-pound burgers and bottomless nachos.

"Boxing gym helps fight Parkinson's disease"
In this corner, weighing 180 pounds...Hey, quit that goddamn twitching or I'll punch you in the face and give you something to twitch about, you pussy!

Get up, you son of a bitch, diagnosed Dr. Mickey.

"Bill Callahan explains his role as Cowboys offensive coordinator"
Well, we've heard that some football teams win games, and they do this by scoring touchdowns, and we thought, hell, we should try that.

"Grandparents caring for grandkids should protect finances"
Or else those little shits will rob you blind the first time you turn your back to watch "Jeopardy!"

Sure, Grandpa, you can have your heart pills
just as soon as you sign over power-of-attorney.

"(City of) Irving council race features compliments and similar stances"
Therefore, this newspaper will no longer be covering Nicey-Nice City and their candy-ass elections until the candidates grow some balls and start dragging each other through the mud like real politicians.

"Logitech makes the perfect iPad keyboard"
I'm so glad we cured cancer and liberated Syria so that headlines like this could resume their rightful place in the world.

Touchscreens are so mainstream. Also democracy.

"Texas students do well on most new tests as passing standards lowered"
Also helping test scores: Making "gravy" the correct answer to all questions and giving extra credit to students who have already completed their food-stamp applications.

"All that confusion about how 9th graders' grades will be affected by the new End of Course exams? Maybe getting clarified"

And I sure hope it's not by whoever wrote that headline.