Tuesday, May 15, 2012


I'm going to vape.

You gonna what now?

From Urban Dictionary:

To inhale vapor from E-cigarettes. Used because "smoking" an E-cig doesn't apply as there is no smoke only vapor.
I'm able to vape in a movie theater.
 Oh, hell yeah.

Just like a hipster chick.
I've had a fascination with e-cigs for some time now. Because I've always thought smoking looked way cool, but I have a problem with the cost, the smell, the risk of having to talk through one of those electronic throat-boxes for the rest of my life, etc.

Call me crazy, but I can do without a neckful of
permanent Auto-Tune.
But take away those little annoyances, and I've always thought of cigarette smoking as a nearly perfect habit. It gives me something to do with my hands, it gives me an excuse not to talk every minute, and did I mention how damn cool it looks?

I have absolutely no problem believing I would look
just like this with a cigarette in my hand.
Besides, nicotine is totally addictive, and boy is that right up my alley. I actually smoked briefly when I was in college, and here's how that went:

I was eating obsessively. So to keep from staying home and bingeing, I started shopping.
I was shopping obsessively. So to keep from spending all my time in the mall, I started smoking.
I would have started smoking obsessively, except before that could happen, I got in a car wreck while trying to light a cigarette.
I stopped smoking. Because I'm not stupid.

Later on I discovered vodka. And now, to give my poor pickled liver some relief, I'm thinking of taking up vaping. Because I need something for my hands to do other than 1.5 oz curls all the damn time. Vaping - which is such a hilariously pretentious word that I can't stop using it - is cheaper and far healthier than smoking cigarettes, but still gives me the benefits of lighting up. And oh yeah, how cool does smoking look?

For once I'd like to have something in common with
Marlene Dietrich besides being German.
Mostly I'm just curious. The "juice" that produces the smokelike vapor in e-cigs comes in all different flavors, and you can get it with or without nicotine, and the whole thing just seems like a hoot.

I can pull this look off.
Besides, the idea of me - a suburban wife and mom and dirtbag blogger - taking up vaping will help ensure that the pastime doesn't become the exclusive purview of hipsters. And that, my friends, is extremely important. We can't let them take over the world. Give them an inch, they'll occupy a mile. And build a Starbucks on it.

They've already ruined Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.
Don't let them have this.
So I'm researching e-cigs, and soon I'll take the plunge. Soon I'll be showing up places with my little vaporizer perched between my fingers, taking long, slow, sensual drags between sentences and staring you down disdainfully through a swirl of vapor. Oh my God, I'll be insufferable. I'll embarrass the hell out of Precocious Daughter and annoy Beloved Spouse. This is sounding better by the minute. I may even start wearing a beret.

At which point I will become indistinguishable
from Catherine Deneuve. No, really.
Now, listen up. Smoking tobacco is BAD. Expensive, causes cancer, makes you stink, dries out your skin, sets your couch on fire when you fall asleep. Bad shit, OK?

In case you were wondering, I still find this hilarious.

Vaping, on the other hand, is harmless and possibly even unironically enjoyable.

I'll let you know.

That's why they called them "cigarette pants." Duh.
Oh, and hipsters? You can keep the PBR. Because all the indie cred in the world ain't worth drinking cheap beer.


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