Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Today's Excellent Headlines

Gonna do a news roundup today, because I love not having to make stuff up.

"Suitcase Escape Bid Foiled at Mexican Prison." A woman tried to smuggle her common-law husband out of prison in a wheeled suitcase. She was caught because she "looked nervous" as she was leaving. Also because she was rolling a man-sized suitcase out of jail. I love the picture accompanying this story:

Ay, caramba, how embarrassing.
I wonder how many times the poor guy begged the guards to just let him get out of the suitcase already, while they said, "No, come on, just one more picture. This is totally going on Failblog."

"Human Belly Button Is Home to Hundreds of Never-Before-Seen Species." Two science writers provided swabs of their navel crud (don't pretend you don't have any, you innies) to North Carolina State University for its Belly Button Biodiversity Project. This is science, people; stop giggling. Apparently the belly button is like the Jersey Shore for rare and strange bacterial life-forms, and probably as hygienic. The best part is that one of the writers had zero lint-critters in his tummyhole, while the other - whom we will refer to as "Pigpen" - produced a plethora of fascinating and no doubt disgusting species. One of them previously was found only in Japanese soil, which Pigpen has never actually set foot on (or rubbed his belly button in). 
Kind of makes you want to treat me
with more respect, doesn't it? No?
"Man with Tracking Bracelet Nabbed for Robbery." That's right: a dude wearing an ankle monitor because of a drug conviction tried to hold up a convenience store while wearing the monitor. Police say he'll be released again, but wherever he goes he'll have to be accompanied by a guy wearing an "I'm With Stupid" t-shirt.

"German City to Tax Prostitutes in Order to Close Budget Deficit." I want to commend the New York Daily News for its restraint in not using the term "close the gap" in its headline for this story. That would have been tacky. On the other hand, under the circumstances I wholeheartedly support the paper's description of Dortmund's financial situation as "$100 million in the hole." Bada-bing!

"Comedy Central to Roast Charlie Sheen." But not on a spit. So I don't care.

"Austin Hotel Closing After Glass Keeps Falling." Management expects to have its anti-gravity machine repaired shortly.

"10 Brands That Will Disappear in 2012." A website has predicted that Kellogg's Corn Pops are not long for this world because of rising corn prices and unhealthy ingredients, among other things. I don't believe it. Sure, Kellogg's may drop the brand and stop manufacturing the product. But I know for a fact there are Corn Pops in my sofa cushions that are older than my child and will outlive cockroaches and reality shows as a viable species. Anyone who thinks you can destroy a Corn Pop has never tried to digest one.

"Rows of Snow Globes Sit at State Surplus Store." See, snow globes have liquid in them. And you can't bring liquid on airplanes, because...well, the TSA had a good reason at the time, just as they had good reasons for making us take off our shoes and submit to impromptu gynecological exams by hourly-wage security guards. Anyway, everybody's confiscated snow globes are for sale cheap at the surplus store in Austin, waiting to be driven home.

Frankly, if you bought this,
the terrorists have already won.

If they want to ban something dangerous from airplanes, they should maybe start with Corn Pops. Or maybe they should consider arming the air marshals with them instead. Or the passengers. No terrorist stands a chance against an angry shoeless tourist with a handful of breakfast cereal and no milk.

1 comment:

You're thinking it, you may as well type it. The only comments you'll regret are the ones you don't leave. Also, replies to threads make puppies grow big and strong.