Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Five Butt-Ugly Vehicles

Hey, the cars you think are beautiful or not are your business. Automobile aesthetics are a highly subjective and personal thing. And that's OK. I'm sure there are people out there who don't think my Beetle is the most adorable car in the world. And that's...actually, that's ridiculous. My Bug is beautiful, period. Shut up.

Try doing that with a Honda Accord.
Anyway, I see a lot of cars every day as I perform my soul-sucking commute across Dallas. The vast majority are simply not worth a second look. A few are bitchin', or cute, or visually striking in one way or another. Then there are those that stand out on the automotive landscape because they are flat-out hideous. In my opinion, people. If you own one of these, fabulous. I hope you love it. Like dogs and children, some cars are so ugly you just have to love them. But also like dogs and children, only if they belong to you.
So here are some cars I've seen that frankly make me throw up in my mouth a little.

Porsche Panamera

Seeing this car on the road for the first time was a two-part bad joke. My first thought was, "What an unusual and rather awful sedan. I wonder what it is?" Then I saw the instantly recognizable Porsche shield on the back end.

Yes, Porsche makes a sedan. That looks like this.

Kind of looks like one of the Hot Wheels your brother let you play with
because it wasn't cool enough for him.
You can't tell from the picture, but this thing is huge. It's a few inches shorter than a Cadillac DTS but almost a foot wider. And it's got that weird hatchback. Because that's cool, right? But the worst thing about this is that it's a Porsche sedan. Porsche builds awesome, beautiful sportscars that make you feel unworthy just looking at them. If you want an expensive German family car, for goodness' sake, buy a big old Mercedes. That's what it's there for. Don't buy something that looks a Pla-Do model of a 911 Carrera left out in the sun too long.

Also, Panamera may be the dumbest car name since the Volkswagen Tiguan. For $80,000, I want a car that doesn't sound like a Van Halen song.

Mercedes-Benz G Class

Speaking of Mercedes, here's a vehicle designed for people who think Land Rovers are too attractive and well-proportioned.

Who says the Germans don't have a sense of humor? Oh right, everyone.
 Although this car offended my eyes when I saw it, it actually beame more distasteful the more I learned about it. Like the Hummer (may it rest in pieces), the G-wagen is a repurposed military design. You know, for drivers who want to play soldier in bitchin' commando machines without the bother of actually serving their country. Also like the Hummer, the G Class is not only an aesthetic nightmare, but an environmental insult as well, pulling down a cool 11 mpg in the city. This monstrosity starts at $105,000. My first house cost less than that, and was a lot cuter. And not as tall.

Nissan Cube

I've tried - really, truly tried - to like the Boob Cube (that's like Slug Bug, except when you see one you hit...well, never mind). I give it points for thinking outside the box. The problem is, it is a box.

I keep expecting to find Fisher-Price Little People inside.
I freely admit to a bias against boxy cars. Bug driver here, remember? I like curves. It's not just the shape of the Cube that bothers me, however. The proportions bother me...disproportionately. The snub nose, the height-width ratio, the way the whole thing squats on those tiny little tires: the asymmetrical back window (which I do like) can't make up for the overall abruptness of the design, as if there should be more to it somehow. My eyes always want to keep going when I see one. I can't believe that's what Nissan had in mind when they came up with this. At least it's cheap.

Honda Accord Crosstour

This one requires a special caveat. I loathe the Honda Accord. I will never, ever own one. There is a specific and wholly irrational reason I hate the Honda Accord; it has to do with a person I knew who drove one. He was a complete douchebag, and my brain has transferred all my negative feelings about him to the model of car he owned. That's completely unfair to a car that for decades has been nothing but well-made, dependable, and extremely popular. C'est la freaking vie.

Bottom line: Taking a Honda Accord and giving it a huge ugly ass was not a move designed to change my mind about the model.

Joining the proud tradition of cars like the AMC Pacer,
the Ford Pinto, and that butt-ugly Porsche sedan up there.
Seriously, this car has a bigger backside than any two Kardashian sisters put together. And it personifies a certain lack of commitment on the part of its target audience. You've got a nice, safe, middle-class, middle-of-the-road car, but you say you want more? You want to be able to carry an assload of flat-pack bookshelves and cases of toilet paper in the back, but you don't want it to look as if that's what you want to do? Well, shit. You're weird. OK, so how about it if we just make this Honda Accord look sort of like a station wagon, only we'll call it a "crossover" vehicle. Or maybe a "touring" vehicle. Or maybe we'll just call it...

And the rest is history. Bland, unttractive history.

Cadillac Escalade EXT

Escalades are big, ugly SUVs. In my experience, they are most often owned by people whose driving skills are perhaps better suited to a small Hyundai or used Ford Taurus. But that's neither here nor there. Among all big, loud, ostentatious, unattractive Escalades, the EXT stands out because of some genius' decision that what an 18.5-foot-long SUV really needs is a truck bed in the back.

And even then, there's a specific detail that puts certain Escalade EXTs on this list. And that detail is: White Diamond Tricoat paint.

Even pimps find this a bit over the top. And honey, you're no pimp.
Again, this is only my opinion, but a glossy white Cadillac Escalade EXT is what Satan's sleaziest minions will be driving into town when the End Days arrive. Let me say to all the rappers, homeboys, and trophy wives who own this vehicle: Your ride is damn ugly. No, it is. It is. Now give some of your apparently oversized pile of money to the poor while you contemplate the three to four Deadly Sins this thing commits just by existing.

That's the list. I'll bet I could do another five if I drove around for a few days. P.S. There are no minivans on the list because I have trained myself to pretend they don't exist.


  1. Aw, don't hate on the Cube...there's one at my office with a bumper sticker that reads, "Dude, You Just Got Passed By A Toaster".

    I kind of like the Cube.

    The rest of them are hideous.

  2. I'm looking for a replacement entry for the Cube. It's just not as offensively ugly as the others. Stay tuned.

  3. My minivan is prettier, and at 28 mpg, more environment-friendly than most of these ugly vehicles. And the ride is a dream. As for my opinion of which is the ugliest, it's a a tie between the Mercedes-Benz G Class SUV and the Cadillac Escalade EXT. The Cube is so ugly, it's cute so I can see the appeal with that one. Of course, your Bug does win the cute race hands down.

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