Bloggers (and Others), Please Read

I love to learn.

I mean, holy shit, "Sesame Street," amirite?

And I love words. So when I learn a new word, I basically have a lexigasm.

Totally a thing.

Here's the word I learned today, via Twitter user First Clown.

If it didn't exist, I would have had to invent it.

Shit yes, goddammit.

I honestly don't mean to hurt or offend people (except when I absolutely do mean to), but sometimes the pleasure it brings to curse like a fucking sailor gets the better of decorum.

I'm so goddamned glad there's a word for this shit. English totally fucking rocks.

If you don't agree, go to hell, assclown.

Well, that's literal.

If you also experience lalochezia, let the world know. It's not an affliction, it's just the way we are.

Shit yeah.

Upping the Ante

For the third year in a row, Precocious Daughter is going to the state championship tournament for the Kickstart Kids karate program.

This is because a) she and her teammates are amazing; b) she has a wonderful, caring instructor; and c) PDaughter recognizes that learning to kick people in the chest is preferable to ever relying on me to protect her from bad guys, or anything more dangerous roaming packs of floofy puppies, for that matter. Or even floofy puppies, OK? I'm useless.

Devastating, no?

As I have written about before, Kickstart Kids is a program founded by Chuck Norris. And as I've also written about before, Chuck and I are practically soulmates. If by "soulmates" you mean I'm one inappropriate encounter away from being a stalker.

The big news about this year's state tournament is that it takes place in Bryan, Texas. No, wait, that's not big news. That's a pain in the butt. I'm not comfortable traveling three hours south to sit in a hot gymnasium full of strangers. I'm barely comfortable driving 10 minutes to the liquor store, although admittedly the fact that there is always liquor waiting for me there makes that trip pretty damn tolerable.

It's like the grail-shaped beacon
over the Castle Anthrax.

Still, I would drive just about anywhere for my beautiful and dangerous daughter. Especially since - and this is the big news - Chuck is going to be at the tournament!

YESYESYESYESYES

We're all very excited.

And so, for this blogger, the 2014 Kickstart Kids State Championship becomes the I'm Going to Meet Chuck Norris or Get Arrested Trying Championship.

And I intend to win.

Oh, sure, there are bound to be all sorts of silly rules in place to prevent common riff-raff and me from getting too close to Chuck, who after all is an international celebrity and a 10th-degree black belt and therefore can't be expected to handle being approached by members of the public.

I'm sure the required etiquette will be something like this:

Do not approach Mr. Norris.
Do not speak to Mr. Norris.
Do not attempt to touch Mr. Norris' majestic beard.
Do not ask Mr. Norris to flip you over his head.
Do not attempt to flip Mr. Norris over your head.
Do not ask Mr. Norris about his Bowflex.
Do not shout "MURICA!!" in Mr. Norris' general direction.
Do not at any point look in a direction that would put Mr. Norris in your line of sight.
Do not shout "Hi, Chuck!" at any point during the tournament.

But of course, shouting "Hi, Chuck!" (or "Bye, Chuck!" as appropriate to the situation) is my thing. It's what Chuck and I share, besides being named Chuck, of course. And so I don't feel constrained by that rule, nor by extension to any of the others.

Besides, all those other people who will be at the tournament simply want to waste Chuck's time by telling him what big fans they are or thanking him for starting Kickstart Kids or asking him what the hell was going in The Octagon. None of them is trying to start a Twitter war with Ted Nugent. I am. And that's why I need some face time with Mr. Norris.

Is this Ted Nugent or Justin Bieber?
All douchebags look alike to me.

You see, Chuck and Ted share a similar conservative bent in their personal politics. I'm fairly certain that Chuck is not as huge a wackadoodle as the Troll Batch with the Soul Patch, but they are both among the most revered of right-wing celebrities who don't talk to chairs on national television.

Public Enemy Number One.

I think that Chuck Norris can help me in my quest to fight Ted Nugent. I think he would support my cause. Not because he would in a million years see eye-to-eye with me on sociopolitical matters. But because Chuck Norris appreciates the value of hand-to-hand combat in settling differences of opinion between honorable opponents.

I'm also hoping that once he learns that a short, out-of-shape suburban blogger-mom has challenged Ted Nugent to a steel cage match, Chuck will totally call out Ted as a pussy if he doesn't accept.

I simply can't imagine that a true-blue camouflage-shirt-wearing American like Ted Nugent wants to be called out as a pussy by Chuck Norris. I mean, that's barely one step less mortifying than being called a coward by the French.

Ted will not be made an object of ridicule.

So I just want a few minutes of Chuck's time. I just want to speak to him about supporting my war against Nugent before his phalanx of ninjas descend on me and drag me away.

I think seeing my feeble attempts to squirm out of their grip while shrieking in panic will only help sway him to my side.

And then watch out, Ted Nugent. I'm going straight for your nutsack. #TedNugentBeatdown

Conspiracy Theories

I have yet to hear from the insurance company regarding the fate of my poor smashed Beetle and whether they will choose to fix it or total it.

I also have yet to hear from Ted Nugent or his people regarding my challenge to take him on in a fair fight, mano a douchebag.

Finally, there is still no confirmed sighting of the wreckage of Malaysian Flight 370.

Are you telling me these events are unrelated?

Is it pleasant out there where you live?

Please. I don't know for sure who is orchestrating these events, but clearly a deliberate hand is at work, shaping the outcomes of these seemingly disparate fates.

I will wait patiently for the stars to align. For the insurance company to respond. For Ted Nugent to acknowledge my presence. For the families of the Malaysian Flight 370 passengers to achieve some closure.

Also, on me to win the lottery,
while we're at it.

I don't really know who is behind the plot to withhold these events from unfolding. Far be it from me to unmask the conspirators, who may be aliens, Illuminati, or Teabaggers. I just want them to know that I'm not going anywhere, and I will await justice in its many forms with a patience that is as annoying as it is boundless. Just to piss you off.

Do you have unanswered questions in your life? Then fight the powers that be. Wait 'em out. Get in their face. We can do this. Goddamn aliens/Illuminati/conservative assholes.

By their stupid appearance shall ye know them.

If you promise to support the hashtag #TedNugentBeatdown, I promise to send my very best energy to your pet problem. And to fight by your side when the aliens come.

We'll get through this together.

Bill, Meet Ted

I have declared Twitter war on Ted Nugent.

He doesn't even know what to do with that information.

It is my intention to engage in physical combat with Mr. Nugent. Anytime, anywhere. Because he's a bad egg and I want to fry his ass.

Faithful Drunkard Bill the Butcher, whom I love not least because he allows me to legitimately claim my blog has international readership, had this to say about my quest for a #TedNugentBeatdown:

"Do I need to look up who Ted Nugent is?"

So, first, of all, neener neener, Ted Nugent, there are people who have no goddamn idea who you are. That makes us practically soulmates. Both of those things must gall you to no end.

It means to annoy or perturb, Teddy.

For Bill's benefit, here's Ted Nugent in a nutshell (and believe me, that term is apt in so many ways).

Ted Nugent is a former 70s-era generic hard-rock musician originally from Detroit, Michigan.  He enjoyed popularity for AOR hits like "Cat Scratch Fever" and "Wango Tango," and for having a stage persona best described as half wild man and half Messiah complex.

Assuming the Messiah wore camo.

Anyway, after his musical notoriety inevitably waned, Teddy made a decision to remain relevant by talkin' about guns 'n huntin' 'n 'Murica.

And being anti-drug while admitting to taking crystal methedrine in the 60s to avoid serving in Vietnam.

And bragging (in interviews and in song) about being a sexual predator and a pedophile.

And aligning himself with the most extreme right wing of the Republican Party, which continues to turn a blind eye to the fact that their rock and roll poster child is a complete batshit goon.

But don't rely on my poor words. Here are some actual quotes from the "man" himself.

“I have obviously failed to galvanize and prod, if not shame enough Americans to be ever vigilant not to let a Chicago communist-raised, communist-educated, communist-nurtured subhuman mongrel like the ACORN community organizer gangster Barack Hussein Obama to weasel his way into the top office of authority in the United States of America.”

Speaking at a NRA conference in 2012: "If Barack Obama becomes the president in November again, I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year." 



He's such a liar.

 "My being there (South Africa) isn't going to affect any political structure. Besides, apartheid isn’t that cut-and-dry. All men are not created equal."

"There are hundreds of millions of gun owners in this country, and not one of them will have an accident today. The only misuse of guns comes in environments where there are drugs, alcohol, bad parents, and undisciplined children. Period."
(I'm not sure Teddy knows how many people actually live in America, or how patently stupid this statement is from start to finish.)

"What’s a feminist anyways? A fat pig who doesn’t get it often enough?"

"Foreigners are assholes; foreigners are scum; I don’t like ‘em; I don’t want ‘em in this country; I don’t want ‘em selling me doughnuts; I don’t want ‘em pumping my gas; I don’t want ‘em downwind of my life - OK?"

"There will come a time when the gun owners of America, the law-abiding gun owners of America, will be the Rosa Parks and we will sit down on the front seat of the bus."

"I'm an extremely loving, passionate man, and people who investigate me honestly, without the baggage of political correctness, ascertain the conclusion that I'm a damned nice guy, and if you can find a screening process more powerful than that, I'll suck your dick. Or I'll fuck you, how's that sound?"

Isn't he a delight, Bill?

No, he isn't, and that's why I'm declaring war on Ted Nugent. If he's man enough to engage me.

I don't think he is, personally.

Also, what the hell are you wearing, dude?
You're a freaking millionaire Republican.
Stop dressing like a backwoods fashion victim.

The hashtag is #TedNugentBeatdown. Every time you use it, you help bring about the day when an old right-wing media whore gets in the ring with an out-of-shape suburban mom.

God Bless America.

There are hundreds of millions of gun owners in this country, and not one of them will have an accident today. The only misuse of guns comes in environments where there are drugs, alcohol, bad parents, and undisciplined children.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/tednugent189520.html#OoJAgDxdYiE8cIfS.99

There are hundreds of millions of gun owners in this country, and not one of them will have an accident today. The only misuse of guns comes in environments where there are drugs, alcohol, bad parents, and undisciplined children. Period.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/tednugent189520.html#OoJAgDxdYiE8cIfS.99