Resume Tips That Might Actually Work

 Let me start by saying I'm not looking for a job.

I'm content where I am. Even if I were less than content, I loathe the job-hunting process with the heat of twelve hundred supernovas. And at this stage of my career, when my job starts getting me down I think about my bank account (comfy-ish), my retirement savings (ouchy-ish), and my personal motto ("suck it up, buttercup") and simply hunker down to endure the next round of bullshit.

Of all the things in life that don't love me back,
my job is the least of my worries.

I sympathize with job seekers, though. My own Precocious Daughter is one of them. She's smart, talented, educated, and hard working, but she's currently underemployed and shooting out resumes like a damn t-shirt cannon, with limited success. And when she's finally successful, what will she have? A fucking job. As reward-to-effort ratios go, landing a fucking job is right up there with spending $30 at a carnival booth to win an inflatable clown hammer.

You can't even beat your enemies senseless
with this damn thing.

Nonetheless, a job is a pretty necessary thing to have for most of us, and a resume is the way most of us get our foot in the door with the companies that are handing out said jobs. That's why so much advice geared toward employment-seekers centers around crafting a solid resume. 

Judging by the resumes I read, either as part of my own job or from frequenting subreddits devoted to resume writing, approximately 98% of that advice is routinely misunderstood and/or ignored. There are some seriously weak CVs floating around out there.

For instance, I saw a resume today where the job-seeker, in the very first sentence of their summary, referred to themselves as "seasoned, dedicated, and resourceful." Three words in (not counting the conjunction), and two of them were weasel words. That's not a ratio that will land you a job, Clyde. Here's why:

First of all, "seasoned" sounds like an attempt to find a fancier, cooler word than "experienced." But it's not. To the resume reader/algorithm, it comes across as either a euphemism for "I learned to type during the Carter administration" or a weird allusion to rubbing oil and salt into a cast iron frying pan. Neither is going to award you any points, and may in fact get you stereotyped as a little old lady/man who's preoccupied with cooking blogs. 

On to "dedicated." "Dedicated" says nothing. Literally nothing. I can almost guarantee that no hiring manager will ever want to know if you're "dedicated." They want to know if you'll put up with a daily onslaught of bullshit from the multiple competing layers of management you'll be reporting to. That takes the opposite of dedication - it requires not giving a rat's scaly-tailed ass about anything but keeping your boss off your back. So don't use a word that implies you care, because the screening algorithm doesn't.

Then there's "resourceful." This is actually a very good word to use on a resume. It implies certain useful and desirable skills. It's a deceptively inoffensive word that can mean anything from "I will keep a detailed inventory of where the bodies are buried and deploy it as needed" to "My advanced Google Fu will make you look like you know what the fuck you're doing instead of the obvious truth." Your straightest path to success is to establish yourself as the person who gets shit done. Note: This is separate and distinct from being the person who actually does shit themselves. Strive to be the former without being the latter. That's a person who brings value to the organization. And that's why "resourceful" is an ace resume word. Highly recommended.

In that same vein, here are some other more powerful substitutes to excite the algorithm and make your resume stand out from those of your weasel-worded competitors.

Weak: Utilized

Strong: Smashed

Weak: Leveraged

Strong: Lightly blackmailed

Weak: Supported

Strong: Continually saved the ass of

Weak: Optimized

Strong: Un-fucked

Weak: Discretion

Strong: Screaming silently

Weak: Tact

Strong: Screaming silently

Weak: Facilitated

Strong: Slapped sense into

Weak: Contributor

Strong: Shit-shoveler first class

Weak: Learned

Strong: Tempered in fire

Weak: Provided

Strong: Handled like a fucking boss

Go ahead. Introduce some of these words into your next resume. See if you don't have prospective employers lining up to offer you a life of stress and limited recognition. 

But if all else fails, type all the weasel words in white 4pt text into the bottom of your resume before you upload it. The algorithm gods will be pleased.