Saturday, February 6, 2021

Always Drunk News Presents: Absolute Goof with Chuck Baudelaire

Because the My Pillow guy isn't the only complete doofus who can make an ass of himself in front of millions thousands a few people with nothing better to do, we present Absolute Goof, a completely made up dissertation on Communists or vote-eating Cylons or some dumb shit. But first, a disclaimer.


Charles Aloysius Baudelaire has purchased space for the publication of this post on the Always Drunk ("Always Drunk") blog. 

Ms. Baudelaire is the sole author and executive producer (which is not a real thing on a blog, but it's her nickel) of this nonsense and is solely and exclusively responsible for its content.

The topic of this post is Overpriced Pillows Shilled by Cocaine-Fueled Morons. Always Drunk has not undertaken its own reporting on this topic, because who pays $80 for a pillow based on the pitch of a purported drug addict with a bad dye job and a fourth-grade vocabulary who makes the Sham-Wow guy sound like Sir Anthony Hopkins?

This post is not the product of any serious consideration of a guy who allegedly was kicked out of Bill Swerski's Super Fans for being a ridiculous parody of a Chicago accent.

The views, opinions, and claims expressed in this post by Ms. Baudelaire and other guests, presenters, producers or advertisers are completely made up because everyone knows she doesn't have any guests, presenters, producers or advertisers and is just making shit up for attention, much like the idiot with the crappy pillows and the alleged gram-a-day blow habit.

In particular, Always Drunk does not adopt or endorse any statements or opinions in this post regarding the following entities or people:

Peruvian Coca Growers Union 472, Marjorie Taylor Greene's Image Consultant, The Dude Who Played Chachi, Roger "Power Bottom" Stone, or the makers of Just for Men Skull and Face Dye.

Further, the statements and claims expressed in this post are presented at this time as failed attempts at the Japanese satirical poetry form known as haikai only and are not intended to be taken or interpreted by the reader as other classical structures such as renga, or as giving oxygen to millionaire nutjobs desperate to achieve Donald Trump's notoriety by being as outrageously stupid as possible in a public forum. 

The results in the 2020 Presidential election seem to have pissed off a lot of grifters who really thought they could compensate for their mental and physical shortcomings by yelling made-up nonsense to the gullible and ignorant. They are entitled to hear from cocaine-fueled morons who have substituted proficiency in producing basic-cable TV commercials for basic intelligence about, literally, anything. We suppose.


Sources (because we have a little goddamn integrity around here):

We seem to have run out of space to actually present Ms. Baudelaire's compelling arguments about idiotic drug-addled criminal sycophant pillow hawkers. Just as well. At Always Drunk News, we're pretty sure a lame, equivocating disclaimer to try to ward off massive legal liability for broadcasting blatant falsehoods isn't going to fly. Not even in the real world.

No comments:

Post a Comment

You're thinking it, you may as well type it. The only comments you'll regret are the ones you don't leave. Also, replies to threads make puppies grow big and strong.