Monday, December 11, 2017

I Knew It Was Coming

Here is a story from my married life.

Back in the day - before we had Precocious Daughter - my ex-spouse and I had one car between us.

And that was OK, because our house and both our jobs were in the same small town. We could drive from home to my job  o his in about 15 minutes.

So he would drop me off at 8:30 and pick me up at 4:30, which were my working hours at the time. No sweat.

One day, shortly after the beginning of Daylight Saving Time, I waited patiently for him to pick me up as usual. Four-thirty came and went. My co-workers all left for the day, and I assured them my ride was coming.

Five o'clock came and went. I assured myself my ride was coming.

Five-fifteen came and went. I swallowed my panic.

This was pre-cellphones, you know?

Finally, at 5:30, my spouse pulled up and wandered into my office, just as calm as can be.

I stared at him.

He stared back.

I managed to choke out the question, Where the hell have you been?

Turns out he was hanging out with a friend. A friend who hadn't bothered to spring forward. So to their minds, my spouse left his house in plenty of time to pick me up at 4:30.

Except that it was 5:30.

This was a thing that actually happened before cellphones, I promise.

I was upset. I was livid. I was literally speechless.

We went home and had dinner. I was completely silent. I could not articulate how I was feeling.

Eventually - finally - he begged me to break the silence and tell him what was going on inside me.

I opened my mouth. I honestly had no idea what I was going to say.

Here's what I said.


And that was my introduction to realizing that I had not - and never would - get over my old, deep-seated abandonment issues.

I don't mind being alone, you guys.

But being left alone? Honestly, I can't take it.

So when someone I love (you can guess who that is if you're a regular reader) tells me "I'm headed your way," and then shows up three hours later, possibly you understand my reaction.

Yes, it's mostly my problem that I believe people who lie and say they'll be with me.

I get that.

So maybe I need to find someone who will keep his word when he says "I'm here."

I'll try.

I'll let you know how it goes.

And if I can't find what I'm looking for, at least I'll know I'm purposely by myself, rather than accidentally failing for some random person.

Good luck to all of us.


  1. I relate so much with this. When my last ex left, I didn't flip out the way I used to when that happened with exes. It just sort of confirmed what I'd experienced before. The pattern. It was the last time I'd even try.

    Some people tell me I need to try again. But I've got way too much to do to spend time setting myself up to be left again.


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