Monday, November 27, 2017

The McDa Vinci Code

Thanks to the New York Times, we now know that Panera Bread is the preferred fast-casual dining outlet for heartland Nazis.

Where the Elite to Meet to Eat
and Also Interview Neo-Fascists

Now, it's not the fault of the good folks at Panera that their restaurant was name-checked in an article that treated a bona fide white nationalist like the second coming of Wally Cleaver.

I mean, you can't actually spell "Aryan" without using most of the letters in "Panera" and adding a Y and then having a few letters left over.

But I digress.

Still, it seems the New York Times, in the course of writing a puff piece on someone who blatantly despises Jews and refers to dark-skinned people as "coloreds," may have stumbled upon a link between some of America's favorite chain restaurants and some of its darkest secrets.

Perhaps casual dining establishments have for years put out subtle clues to attract a certain clientele, one that considers itself more, shall we say, "pure" than the masses? One that is open to a little bit of blood-n-soil with its In-N-Out. One that knows that freedom fries are always on the menu, no matter what pussy globalist name they're called on the drive-thru sign.

I'm not saying. Also, I'm not saying that patronizing any of these establishments makes you part of its shadowy inner circle of true believers. I'm sure most of us wander into our local fast-food restaurant (in moderation) completely oblivious of the secret language that encourages like-minded "patriots" to commune there.

It's not your fault. You just haven't picked up on the almost imperceptible signals of what I call...

...the McDa Vinci Code.

Behind many a clownish exterior
lurks a diehard alt-right acolyte.

For instance, you've been known to enjoy a melt-in-your-mouth glazed donut from Krispy Kreme, haven't you? You do love the occasional Krispy Kreme. In fact, you're...


See how it would be so easy to miss that if you didn't know exactly what to look for?

Similarly, I bet you've been to Fridays to enjoy one of their endless "fifty cents worth of fried condiments for only $9.99" appetizers. Who hasn't, ha ha? Cholesterol is so American.

But you may also remember that Fridays used to be known as T.G.I.F. It's whispered that the name was changed to Fridays in hopes that people would think the original acronym stood for Thank God It's Friday, instead of its actual coded meaning:

Again, totally not your fault if you never recognized it.

Still not convinced? Consider these alt-right establishments that operate under seemingly wholesome names while attracting their extremist (but still endearingly American) target audiences:

Luftwaff(l)e House

IHOP (Imperial Haus of Purebloods)

Potbelly  Gas Stove Sandwiches

Subway (to the Gulag)

White Castle (self-explanatory)

Godiva (aka GOD Is Very Angry [at Liberals]) Chocolates

Wendy's (a Slut Who Should Stay in the Kitchen)

Jimmy John's (honestly, this is a sandwich place run by an asshole who murders endangered species and then posts animal-porn photos on social media. No overt ties to Nazis, but still a total asshole who shouldn't make a penny off your hard-earned junk-food dollar.)

You may have additional insights. Feel free to share.

Here's another link to the New York Time article that inspired this, just in case you missed it.

Me? Not a fan of fast food or goddamn Nazis, myself. Thanks for asking.


  1. This is funny, and I don't mean to make light of your well-considered conspiracies, but there are a couple restaurants that bear mentioning.

    The first is Chick-Fil-A, which, like Jimmy Johns, is just openly atrocious so far as politics go (and I go there regularly for their salads).

    The second is Waffle House, because I'm pretty sure all of the President's voting base live in them. Waffle House getting mentioned in stories on accidental shootings or raccoon attacks are almost as common in the South as that whole "Florida Man" meme.

    However, I think your tireless investigative journalism is valuable and the real reason I come to this page!

  2. When McDonald's first opened in Russia--back during Glasnost when Russians were cool--it was promoted as "food for the masses". Then they had to raise their prices so much that a Big Mac (in Cyrillic a 'Beeg Mak'--not kidding) and large fries would cost the average Russian more than a week's wages.
    I suspect there was a conspiracy in there somewhere.


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