Thursday, July 6, 2017

Trump's Original Speech to Poland (TOTALLY REAL YEP)

Today Donald Trump gave a speech in Poland, my ancestral home.

Land of 10,000 Crazily-Pronounced Consonants.

I'm not going to say that the President's speech represented paranoid, nationalistic, xenophobic claptrap straight from the crusty black heart of Steve "Goosestepford Wife" Bannon.

But I will suggest that, before old Goose "accidentally" set it on fire and scattered the ashes into a cistern at Auschwitz, there was actually another speech. One written by Trump himself. In crayon on the back of a printout of the 2016 Electoral College vote map, sure. But still...Don Cor(pulent)one actually did write his own speech to present to the bused-in captive audience of Poland.

I know, because I got hold of a copy of it. I won't tell you how.

OK, I will.

Yes, Tabitha is screwing a low-level
Trump aide. Hey, it keeps her off my back
(and on hers).

Anyway, here's an excerpt from the speech Trump was going to give in Poland, before Bannon promised him a cookie to deliver a piece of bilious, bloviating shit instead.

"Hello, Poland. It's an honor to be here, Kowalskiburg...Hey, I love the Polish. I love your sausage. I love the high-gloss shine you give to the Resolution Desk in the Oval Office, which I own, because I won the election by the biggest margin of anybody ever in the world since Jesus was elected in that year we remember, so long ago. Great guy, Jesus. Really making a name for himself.

"I'd like to thank President Anderz...Anjies...zhjzhdrizjdierdzh...Can I just call you Stosh? Stosh, that's a name we all know and love, right? Thank you, Emperor Stosh, for your hospitality. I greatly admire your freedoms, which extend to nearly 14% of Poland. Am I right? Of course. Of course I am.

"I'm here today because America has a problem. And maybe you can help. It seems too many Americans believe that National Socialism is a bad thing. A bad thing, can you believe it? I know that many of you here today - your parents, your grandparents, your martyred ancestors - have experienced the full effects of National Socialism. And today, I would ask you this: Please, please, please tell those Americans how wrong they are. How the National Socialist party helped the Polish people thrive during the tough economic times of the 1930s. And the 1940s, let's not forget them. Never forget them.

"I support the return of Poland to those great, great days when they willingly accepted the strong, brave leadership of the Nazis. Because, frankly, they needed it. Poland was a disaster until Hitler came along. A disaster. I'm sure everyone here today, who got a free bus ride to show up and cheer for me, will agree.

"My time here is short. Soon I'll be attending the G20 conference, where I'll have to address the leaders of the free world on social, economic, and military policy without making - and I say this candidly - a complete assclown of myself. I will fight for you, Poland. Just as I'll fight for America, and also the United States, and the USA. And also the United Kingdom if they kiss my ass hard enough.

Remember the policies that removed the Jewish plague from Poland. Donald Trump promises to uphold these noble words and actions. In the meantime, I have the nation's reputation to utterly destroy. Thank you, and God Bless the United States of America, and to a greatly lesser degree our allies who lack the testicles to stand up to us."

There you go, Drunkards. What do you think?

1 comment:

  1. I'm impressed that he was able to write that coherently for more than 140 characters.


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