Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Twenty-Eight Things I'm Certain Donald Trump Has Never Done

Why 28? It's my favorite number.

I'm 99.44% sure Trump has never:

1. Rolled out a homemade pie crust.

2. Placed a receipt from a paid parking lot on his dashboard.

3. Worn the mesh bag from a Thanksgiving turkey as a hat.

4. Attended a Renaissance Faire (in or out of costume).

5. Impulse-bought something from the Dollar Spot at Target.

6. Attended a dollar movie theater.

7. Looked in his sofa cushions for enough money to buy donuts.

8. Wandered aimlessly around the adjoining shopping center while his mom shopped for groceries.

9. Checked a payphone coin return for change.

10. Binge-watched "The Big Bang Theory."

11. Walked home from somewhere because he missed the last bus.

12. Cleaned out the nasty soap scum and hair mixture from the bathroom sink drain.

13. Repainted the spare bedroom.

14. Responded to a newspaper ad offering original Beatles records for sale.

15. Wondered how he could afford to pay his income taxes.

16. Sat in the cheap seats at a sporting event.

17.  Made homemade Christmas gifts for loved ones.

18.  Sweated a job interview and/or offer.

19.  Changed a burnt-out porch light.

20.  Vacuumed the upholstery of his car.

21. Bought an underground title at an independent comic book store.

22.  Bought an alcoholic beverage at a convenience store.

23.  Bought tamales from a little Latino door-to-door salesman.

24.  Bought a Powerball ticket.

25.  Gone commando because he soiled his underwear.

26.  Sought out the non-MST3K version of an MST3K movie.

27.  Laughed knowingly at a Monty Python reference posted on social media by an old friend.

28.  Issued a sincere apology to someone he treated badly.

In case you're wondering, I've done ALL of these things.

If you can provide proof that Trump has, please let me know. I'm not really anticipating that, but sure, why not? I'll totally issue a retraction.

BTW, "issuing a retraction for saying something stupidly and demonstrably false" would be #29 on my list.


  1. I've done 23 of those. I feel pretty good about that. I may steal this topic for an upcoming post.

  2. I feel more than slightly guilty that I've only done twenty of those. On the bright side I've now got a fun, easy, and relatively short to-do list.
    Since I doubt I'm ever going to be lucky enough to be visited by a door-to-door tamale salesman though I hope buying tamales from a Latino-run food truck will be sufficient.


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