Thursday, March 9, 2017

Buffalo with Extra Buffalo



This past Sunday, my sweet Drummer Boy went grocery shopping with me. It was a big deal, because this past Sunday I was feeling quite low, and I didn't want him to see me that way, and also I didn't want to go shopping, even though I really needed to buy breakfast and lunch foods for Precocious Daughter.

He very sweetly, and gently, and kindly convinced me to let him visit, and help me shop. I don't know how he does this, and more importantly, I don't know why he does this. Drummer Boy is so out of my league, you guys.

Anyway, we had fun shopping together, because we always do. And at one point, he added a box of Spicy Buffalo Wheat Thins to my cart.

I like Wheat Thins. I like buffalo (the animal
and the spice). Win.
Back at my place, he made me a pizza. I wasn't feeling well, so he made me a pizza. I can't even, but there you go. While he cooked, we snacked on Spicy Buffalo Wheat Thins. And they were yummy.

At one point, Drummer Boy found a mutant Thin.

See the difference?
On the right is a normal Wheat Thin. On the left is...a Wheat Thin with a rather inordinate amount of Spicy Buffalo seasoning piled upon it. Wow.

Drummer Boy nommed the excessively-seasoned cracker and declared it good.

Then he found more.

Hunka hunka salty buffalo powder.
I have no idea what was going on with Nabisco quality control the day this particular box of Wheat Thins rolled off the production line. How did we acquire three Wheat Thins that were not simply coated, but glob-a-blobbed with flavored coating mix? I don't know.

But it was fun. You know, like finding a triple-stuf Oreo or an extra hot wing in your order. Bonus junk food for the win!

Then today, I retrieved the box of Wheat Thins from my pantry (because somehow we managed to not devour the entire box on Sunday), and I pulled out this:

What is happening?
In case you can't tell, this is a solid block of buffalo seasoning the size of a chicken nugget, with not a Wheat Thin in sight. I estimate that this nugget contains approximately 18 times the recommended daily allowance of sodium, as well as more artificial spicy flavor than you can shake a large plains mammal at. At which you can shake...never mind.

I don't know what to do with this monster. The part of me that likes to get drunk and harass random Twitter users wants to put this bad boy in my mouth and endure the mouth-burning, eye-watering consequences.

But the part of me that cries over pictures of orphaned otters can't imagine subjecting myself to such unhealthy torture.

As if you can even deal with this.
So I'm turning to you, Drunkards. What should I do?

Do I eat this disgusting, wonderful prize?

Or do I throw it in the trash and thank my Maker that I was able to resist poisoning my body with such an abomination?

Please weigh in. In the meantime, the Buffalo Nugget will remain in my pantry, awaiting its fate.

By the way, I'll send it to you if you decide your fate is to consume an ounce of salt and artificial flavor.

Just saying.


  1. Send it to Nabisco, or at least email them a picture. Wait for the coupons for more product to roll in.

  2. Send it to Nabisco, or at least email them a picture. Wait for the coupons for more product to roll in.

  3. Sending to Nabisco is the best idea.
    Years ago a co-worker went through an entire bag of M&M's crushing one against the other. There was one that crushed all others. He mailed it to the M&M company (which I think is still M&M Mars but I can't be bothered to look) with a note: "Use this one for breeding purposes."
    He got a coupon for a one-pound bag of M&M's.
    Imagine what you will do with a pound of Wheat Thins.

    1. That is hysterical. And I could easily eat a pound of Wheat Thins (perhaps not all at once). I wouldn't chance eating the tiny fireball, however.

  4. Send it to me. I can find a use for it.

  5. Eat it! I am unable to resist those large barrel shaped buckets of cheese balls, and they often have a ball o material comprised entirely of the cheesy powder flavoring. Always eat them; they are delicious.

    You'll be glad. And thirsty.


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