Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Trump: An Objective View. Featuring Facts. Yep. Just Facts.

In the interest of fairness and partisanship, I'd like to help my readers gain a better understanding of President-elect Donald J. Trump. So this post will contain no editorializing, no political opinions, merely a compendium of facts and statistics about our citrus-hued PEOTUS.

1. Mr. Trump stands 6'3" inches tall. Without his hair, he is 5'9". If his height were proportional to his weight, he would be 6'11.5".

2. The J in Donald J. Trump stands for Jermajesty. Singer Jermaine Jackson named his fourth child after Mr. Trump, who subsequently legally changed his middle name to John to avoid being mistaken for the 16-year-old African-American girl.

3. Mr. Trump is 40% German, 40% Scot, and 20% indigenous American traffic cone on his mother's side.

Rare candid photo of "Grams."

4. If all of Mr. Trump's money were laid end to end, he would order anyone who touched it to be shot dead.

5. Mr. Trump is 56 inches around at his widest point, comparable to a mature Douglas fir tree or a slightly underinflated beach ball.

6. Many people claim that Mr. Trump's mouth looks like a human anus. Actually, it more closely resembles the toothed suction cup of a large squid.

Or, you know, it could be debatable.
7. Mr. Trump does not have a creepy incestuous crush on his daughter Ivanka. He extensively compared nude photos of Ivanka and Melania Trump and objectively concluded that his current wife reminds him of his ex-wife Ivana 10% less than Ivanka does.

8. Mr. Trump will never lie to the American people. We know this because he said so, and he never lies to the American people. He said so. So he can't be lying about never lying, because he will never lie. He said.

9. If you're worried about Mr. Trump's ties to Russia or indebtedness to China, don't be. It's fine.

10. Just remember that everything will be OK as long as the media don't publish pictures of his multiple chins. If that happens the world will be plunged into chaos. And he's asked them nicely not to, so we're all set.

I hope this unbiased, factual post has helped you feel strong and confident about the upcoming transition of power from a strong, respected American President to Donald Trump. Because it's all good, America.

The facts are clear.

No comments:

Post a Comment

You're thinking it, you may as well type it. The only comments you'll regret are the ones you don't leave. Also, replies to threads make puppies grow big and strong.