Saturday, September 17, 2016

If I Died, My Life Insurance Would Pay For College

This week I left work early three out of five days to make sure Precocious Daughter got where she needed to be after school. (Which I can do because I get to work every single day after dropping her off at  7:00 a.m. band practice.)

I accompanied her to a college fair and stood in line and helped her ask questions of prospective universities.

I bought her a stupidly expensive letter jacket, because I never earned one and am super-proud that she has.

This morning she told me who her role model is.

It's a former in-law (my ex's sister) who for more than 20 years treated me with contempt and acted like my superior. She's a corporate lawyer and has made a crap-ton of money. Most likely she will pay cash for her son's college education and not need to make him hustle for scholarship money (unlike me).

And she is PDaughter's role model.

And when I subsequently tried to tell my supposed significant other Drummer Boy that I was feeling upset and inadequate, he told me it was because I drink too much. Even though I was fucking stone-cold sober through the entire episode.

I've been crying all day, except for the 20 minutes I spent on the phone with my mom, whose birthday is today. I love my mom. I would never dream of insulting her.

When you've tried hard to be a good mom and discover you've failed to earn your child's respect, that's tough.

When you've entrusted your heart and soul to someone and he boils your existence down to your alcohol consumption, that's also tough.

Also, no fucking body at my job respects me, so I'm either going to find a new job or commit to being miserable for the next 10 years.

I can't wait to own my own life and not be dependent on the opinions of anybody else. Or kill myself and be equally free of others.


So long, you guys.


  1. Dude. Children are assholes sometimes. As a mom you should know that. As for drinking. I've self classified myself as a functioning alcoholic. Well, because I am. And I made my peace with it. I need alcohol to function. Others need their meds or whatever. This is my med.
    You're fucking awesome. Don't go. Because some of us might follow. And then I'm blaming you in my suicide. Like for reals.

  2. Your daughter is looking at the trappings - because of her age, that's normal/understandable. I PROMISE you that Precocious Daughter respects and admires you - and the older she gets the more she will realize it and will, eventually,tell you the very same. She didn't mean to hurt your feelings and would probably be mortified if she knew that she had.

  3. Dude. Just because you weren't deemed The Role Model in that instance doesn't mean you failed, or don't have PD's respect. You can totally respect, love, and admire someone while wanting a different life than his or hers.

  4. Oh sweetie. Kids suck sometimes. They also don't have much perspective about what's really important in life, even though they think they do. My mom always said she didn't know if she'd done a good job until we all hit about 25 years old and admitted we liked her. Hang on, even if it's by your fingernails. The world needs you.

  5. Look at the bright side. We here all respect you. All of us.

  6. Chuck, you know child rearing isn't a quid pro quo arrangement. You seem like the rare mature parent who doesn't embroil your kid in what my mom would have called "grown up issues", meaning you dealt with your ex sister in law without involving PDaughter. You try hard to do the same about her father (the lousy SOB). Hey, I can say it.

    Be proud of you and the choices you make, no matter what the very young and thoughtless say now. Less excuse for Drummer Boy. That certainly was a dick comment.

    I don't know you IRL, but I like your writing and what you put here. Thanks for that. Please feel better soon!

    1. Bootsy said it well. PD is probably not aware that the bitch treated you badly because (like a mature person) you kept that from her. She just sees a conventional version of success that is probably held up to her as what a role model is supposed to be about. And she's a kid, so she buys into it. I know it's hard, but don't put so much stock in what other people say (except us, because we're telling you the *truth*). Go about your business, do the right thing -- look for another job/boyfriend/etc if what you have isn't right for you. PD will see this and figure it out, I guarantee.

  7. This is the sort of thing that makes me want to hop on the next plane to Texas. Even with my extremely weak internet-fu I could narrow down my search area, although I'd still end up wandering around the city like Robert Patrick in Terminator 2 asking people, "Have you seen this writer?"
    I take threats to cash in your chips early pretty seriously.
    But you know that PD needs you for more than just your life insurance money. And I hope it helps that there are complete strangers out here who care about you at least enough to contemplate hopping on a plane to come and offer support in person.


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