Wednesday, March 23, 2016

'Murica. 'Roatia.

You may be wondering why I haven't been more vocal about the 2016 Presidential election.

Or, you know, you may have a life.
I am fully aware that this is a very important election. After eight years of strong leadership by, and blatantly racist rhetoric against, President Obama, the future of America is being decided this November, and more to the point, in the current primary season.

Of course I voted in the Texas primary. And of course I voted for the best possible candidate.

I had to write him in. But a vote is a vote.
I fully support the democratic principles on which the United States of America were founded. I understand that differing opinions on the best course for our nation must eventually come together in an informed consensus on the most qualified leader to represent us at home and on the world stage.

Also, I recently spotted a Kardashian riding a gay unicorn through a field of legally grown marijuana.

Honestly the least NSFW image you can find upon Googling
"marijuana unicorn."
My point is, I have fallen into a very reflective mood as we approach the November 8th election. I find myself pondering deep thoughts about the present and future of the Greatest Nation on the Fucking Planet. As one does when one is AMERICAN BORN BRED AND RAISED FUCK YOU CROATIA.

Possibly I digress.

Anyway, it's not as if I haven't been paying attention to the Presidential race. Herr Trump's antics alone guarantee that most of us are spellbound, at least in a "wow, that car crash took his head clean off, dere" way. But since I know I can't find it in my heart to vote for any of the Republicans, and the likely Democratic nominee has done nothing but earn my political ire for 20 years now, I'm having a hard time getting emotionally invested in the contest.

Once again, "The Simpsons" gets me.
On the other hand, I realize that my tens of loyal readers are looking to me to give an insightful analysis of the current candidates. (*grits teeth* play along) For you random scattered folks, then, I offer this assessment of the current warmish bodies in the hunt for the nomination of their respective parties to the office of President of the United States and Holder of the @POTUS Twitter handle.

John Kasich
Pro: Not a wingnut famewhore, unlike the other 27 Republicans who have been clamoring for the GOP nomination. At least pretends to reach across the aisle to make progress toward common goals.

Con: Requires a CNN tutorial on how to pronounce his name. tl;dr it rhymes with "basic." That is not an optimal sound bite ("Vote Basic. Vote Kasich."). Also, quick: Picture his face. You can't do it, can you? Not a good omen.

Marco Rubio:
Pro: Potentially a wise and moderate statesman. Has potential to represent all Americans

Con: Dropped out after being bitch-spanked by Trump in his home state. Sorry, but even Walter Mondale won his home state. You, sir, are no Walter Mondale.

Donald Trump:
Pro: Possibly the shrewdest, most intelligent person ever to run for POTUS.

Con: Fucking sociopath. As in, not just my opinion but officially. Believes America is dotted with Muslim ghettoes that must be policed to prevent unspecified catastrophes.

Also, does not recognize definition of "good looking."
Martin O'Malley:
Pro:Solid experience in government. A moderate voice in an extremist election cycle.

Con: Apparently dropped out of the race almost two months ago. Who knew?

Bernie Sanders:
Pro: Seems to recognize that there are a lot of average citizens in America looking for a better life. Also, talks exactly the Aardbark in those old cartoons.

THE ANT AND THE AARDVARK - Never Bug An Ant (TV... by paul-iverson

Con: American Christians will never vote for a Jewish socialist unless he can physically demonstrate stigmata and ability to turn water into wine.

Hillary Clinton:
Pros: Apparently the female Donald Trump; can convince people of her fitness for the White House despite decades of hypocritical elitist bullshit.

Cons: Something about emails, but her Teflon coating seems to render her invulnerable to attack.

You can see why Pee-Wee Herman seems the best choice at this point. There are still weeks to go before we have two final candidates in the race. If nothing changes, I'm going with my gut.

My gut says, move to Croatia.

Hvala. Dobar dan.

1 comment:

  1. Actually it's been a relief to come here to get away from the political noise--er, I mean news, but you've made me feel better...about moving to Croatia.


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