Wednesday, November 4, 2015

If I Had These, I Would Never Stop Dancing

Check out what Groupon is selling.

What a bargain!

I realize I don't have to explain to you cultured, fashion-forward people what these are. But I will, because it makes me happy just to type the words. These are microfiber chenille dust-mop slippers.

If I were the inventor of these, I would pretty much consider my place in Heaven locked the fuck up.

Sorry, Mr. Jobs. It's nice, but it doesn't clean your floor
while you get your morning coffee.

They're so fluffy. They're tiny wearable mops for your feet. And best of all, they only work if you shuffle when you walk, the way your mom always told you not to. Because if you're high-stepping through your kitchen like the sluttiest majorette in the parade, you cannot take full advantage of the awesomeness that is (are?) the microfiber chenille dust-mop slippers.

I have to walk around my home anyway, because robot maids somehow still aren't a thing in 2015. So why not take care of a pretty tedious chore while I schlep about, trying to figure out why the hell I got up in the first place?

There is a specific demographic being targeted here,
and it has "menopause" in its description.
I sweep my floors every damn day. I have a cat, a teenager, a frisky guinea pig, and a propensity to spill a portion of whatever foodstuff I'm pouring into a pan while cooking. I need something that will clean up after all of us while we traipse like zombies between the TV and the refrigerator in endless, traffic-zone-targeting repetition. And they look, like, really comfy, too.

The best part: They come in purple.

Making them the best product ever manufactured, clearly.
So, friends and loved ones, I do expect any number of these under my tree this Christmas. In return, I'll make you zucchini bread, or sew you an amusing hat, or mention your name in a blog post every day for a week. Whatever you want, really.

Whatever it takes to experience the glory of microfiber chenille dust-mop slippers.

Go on, say it out loud. You know you want to.

I get it.
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5 comments:

  1. Bill the ButcherNovember 5, 2015 at 12:52 AM

    Interesting. The update for this post didn't show up on my side rail. I came here to see if you were OK and I found it. Maybe because I can't find these shoes here to send you? But I can totally glue dog hair to the bottoms of ordinary slippers, paint them purple, and send it your way.

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownNovember 5, 2015 at 8:13 AM

    The future is now.

    ReplyDelete
  3. ChristopherNovember 5, 2015 at 8:56 AM

    I want a pair of these even though it would be annoying to have to take them off before stepping into the carpeted part of the house where I know whatever I've cleaned up will rub off and be permanently entrenched.
    And I want to give you a pair too, but not because of the promise of zucchini bread or an amusing hat. It would just be nice to brighten up your year.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Miss OthmarNovember 6, 2015 at 6:10 AM

    I have seen these -- unfortunately the menopause demographic generally doesn't wear a size 12 shoe (I'm 6 ft tall, dammit -- if I had smaller feet I'd fall over! ). Since they don't come in "men's sizes", they assume that men don't care whether their floors are clean. Which may be a good assumption....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bill the ButcherNovember 6, 2015 at 9:20 AM

      Yo - I'm a man and I'm obsessed about the cleanliness of my floors! Much more so than my ex ever was.

      Delete

You're thinking it, you may as well type it. The only comments you'll regret are the ones you don't leave. Also, replies to threads make puppies grow big and strong.

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