Friday, May 29, 2015

Declaration of CheeseDependence

Dear Vegans:

How do you live without cheese?

Exhibit A: Cheese.
I mean, I get the whole "let's not slaughter animals just so I can eat a delicious burger" argument. And that's commendable. I've seen the documentaries; those poor animals go through hell just to end up on a plate at Applebee's. I would happily pay $20 a pop for the occasional burger craving I experience, if it meant there were fewer animals being raised more humanely to fill my belly.

That...borders on acceptable, right?
But the difference between a mere vegetarian and a vegan is that the latter (you) won't consume any animal products at all. Not just dead flesh that requires killing an animal, but dairy, eggs, uh, squid ink, if that's a thing.

Squid ink pasta?!? My objections to that go way beyond ethics.
That means no cheese.

And ethics or not, humanitarianism or not...I'm not giving up cheese, Vegans.

Because CHEESE.

See? The cow is laughing. She ain't mad.
Mother's milk is, by and large, and endlessly renewable resource. And it's produced expressly to be consumed. I don't think the cow cares who consumes it.

I think Mama Bovine is like, "Moo, another day, another bucket of milk. I hope it will bring joy and nourishment to someone. I'm thinking a baby cow, but that's not a deal-breaker. Moo."

It ain't no thang.
It is a scientific fact that cheese is delicious, nutritious, and delicious. Tonight I ate a big plate of cheese tortellini sprinkled with cheese. The pasta was vegan, the sauce was vegan, the cheese was dairy-rific.

Two out of three ain't bad.

As Meat Loaf sang. Oh, the irony.
Vegans, I respect your choices. I thank you for your devotion to treating animals as equals, to the point of ignoring them on the menu of life. Enjoy your lentils.

But I enjoy tofu AND sausage, and I guess I'm not yet enlightened enough to feel bad about that.

In conclusion, cheese freaking rules.

Can we still be friends?



  1. Cheese is better than sex. Tell your daughter!

  2. Wait for it...I love cheeses. =D

  3. I don't eat cheese very often, but I did live with a vegan for many years.

    She was a vegetarian when I met her. For animal reasons. Then one day, I said, "You know the hens that lay these eggs don't get to punch a clock and go home at the end of the day."

    The next week, she was vegan.

    It's a complicated lifestyle that makes everyone want to avoid resrtaurants with you at any cost.

  4. My spouse went vegan for a while. When it happened I said, "There are two things I will never give up: fish and cheese." Admittedly I could live without fish, or at least with less fish, because I've seen the horrific damage trawlers do to the ocean floor. And that damage pretty much makes sure there will be no more fish there for a long time because they haven't watched the Sesame Street cartoon with the fisherman and the talking clam, which made me want to give up shellfish because it made clams seem cool.

    Now I forget where I was going with that. Please put some cheese on my ice cream.

  5. One of Chris's favorite stories is about how we were on vacation on our 10th anniversary and we went back to the place we had our Honeymoon. We were in a Newlywed/Not so Newlywed game that they did for nightly entertainment. They asked what my favorite late night snack was, and I couldn't think of anything. I really don't snack much and I hate eating before bed so I just said popcorn (which in hindsight was stupid because I hate popcorn). Chris was so irritated because his answer was cheese and he SWORE I loved cheese. I was very confused with is passion about the answer until a few nights after we got home and I caught myself standing in the kitchen w/ a piece of cheese. I realized that he was right.... as usual. All that to tell you that I LOVE LOVE LOVE cheese!


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