Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Hey, Baby, Are You a Verb?

Listen up, Drunkards: I'm about to give you all the answers.

Awwww yeah.
Welcome to your biblioscope. It's like your horoscope - from the Greek words for "check out that whore" - except it's based on books. Which typically are more reliable than whores, even the ones with hearts of gold.

I believe I can give you a completely accurate assessment of your personality based on the powerful synergy between the printed word and some random crap I just now made up. But it comes from a sincere, cosmic desire to have fun and be entertaining. That, I believe, puts truth on my side. That, and your gracious willingness to be silly with me.

It's because I was born under the sign of
the entrails.
OK, so here's how it works.

Grab a book. Your favorite book, the last book you read, the nearest book to where you are right now. The universe will put the right book into your hands. For reals.

Now, add together the numbers of your birth month and date (e.g., October 26 = 10+26 = 36) and turn to that page. Then think of the name of your favorite color and count the letters. (If you don't think you have a favorite color, use purple. When it doubt, always use purple.) If you're female, count down that many lines from the top of the page. If you're male, count up that many lines from the bottom. Because guys don't always get to be on top, that's why.

No matter how big their pen is.
Once you get to the right line (let's call it your pickup line - no, let's not, that's dumb), look at the first complete word. This is your Word of Cosmic Totality (pat. pend.). Are you impressed? You should be. It's only the key to your entire existence.


It's all in the parts of speech.

You do know your parts of speech, don't you?

Don't you?
Don't worry, I've included links to definitions just in case you're a little rusty. The important thing is, the type of word you've arrived at via my completely scientifically sound method definitively describes who you are as a human being.

Cool, huh?

Read on.

If your Word of Cosmic Totality is a(n):

Noun: You like order and routine. Sometimes you embrace chaos. You call things as you see them, without flowery language. You like to be the subject of attention. If your word is a proper noun, you probably drink tea.

Verb: You're always on the go. Sometimes you think before you act, sometimes you act before you think, but you hate not doing anything, unless you're resting or sleeping. Telling people what to do is your specialty. You think Hamlet was a weenie.

Adjective: You're amazing, strong, funny, sweet, vivacious, and intelligent. On the other hand, you can be quiet, moody, tender, and irritable. There simply aren't enough words to describe you, although you're constantly trying to define yourself.

Adverb: You tend to qualify everything you say and do. Precision is important to you; you want people to know exactly where, when, why, and how you do things. Sometimes you go absolutely, completely, irretrievably overboard, but people always know if you feel really good or totally bad.

Preposition: A lot of people don't understand you. Yet you're often critical to the success of the endeavors in which you participate over time. You like to improve others' understanding of the situation at hand. You have a lot in common with adverbs.

Conjunction: You bring people together, or you divide them. You make strong declarations, but sometimes you change your mind. You have many interests and like many things. You work well with both dependent and independent types. You may be short, but that's neither here nor there.

Article: A leader. The best. Sometimes you're definite, sometimes indefinite, but always an integral part of the mix. You tend to be very close to nouns, but not a good companion to the pronoun.

Pronoun: You hate when people repeat themselves. You're the one who steps in and suggests an alternative. You enjoy this and that, here and there. Defining gender roles is what you like. They say you can be vague, but it's OK. You're terrible with names.

And now you know your biblioscope. Let it guide your life. Spread the word. Be sure to ask strangers what their bibliographical sign is. It's a great, you know, pickup line.


  1. My favorite book is too far away from me right now, but if I'm not a pronoun, I'll be very surprised and disappointed.

  2. Because I work in a library you'd think I'd have a better choice of books handy, but for incredibly boring reasons my office is currently stuffed to the gills with magazines. However I do have a little book about spiders published in 1912 right by me. And I am a noun. Does it make a difference that it's plural?


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