Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Safe Words

So, guys, if I'm ever abducted by aliens and replaced with a cyborg-clone-pod, how would you ever know?

Because they can be convincingly lifelike.
I mean, some of you know me pretty well, and some of you only know me through my writing, and some of you have little private jokes with me that go back decades, and some of you have only known me as a mom and...the point is, any reasonably sophisticated impostor could probably fool most of you, most of the time. With that power, who knows what they could incite you to do based on your faith and trust in me as a person?

Uh...sure, I guess a few of us could jump into your mouth.
You've never steered us wrong before.
That's why I think we need some safe words. Because an impersonator will always slip up sometime. Like when a spy pretends knowledge of a secret program that doesn't actually exist, or a con artist claims friendship with someone who died years earlier. Or when Norman Bates charged into the fruit cellar dressed as his dead mother and his wig fell off.

Everyone knew Mrs. Bates was a leftie.
In order to thwart the aliens, I'm going to give you some seemingly innocuous statements that nonetheless should alert you to something being amiss. These are things that the real me would never, ever say, so if someone who appears to be me utters them, you know you're in the presence of a cyborg-clone-pod. And you should whack them with a large melon before they can realize whatever evil scheme they planned to perpetrate by pretending to be a beloved writer, before they completely screwed up by abducting me instead.

Got that?

Just know that if I ever make any of these statements, I'm a goddamn alien, OK?

"I'm sorry, but there aren't enough grilled onions on my hamburger."

"I think my next dog will be a Shih Tzu, or perhaps a Pomeranian."

"Please accept this mixtape of my favorite songs by the Eagles."

"I would love to attend your Bible study, but next week you must attend mine."

"A cold glass of tomato juice sounds refreshing."

"If only Al Gore had won in 2000. He would have been the best President ever."

"I want a man who hasn't fallen for that feminism bullshit."

"I don't really listen to the lyrics."

"Winning a huge lottery jackpot just seems to create more problems than it solves."

"Just give me a full-size pickup truck and a case of Bud Light, and I'm a happy girl."

"Ted Cruz for President."

"I'm going to try steaming my vagina like Gwyneth Paltrow."

"I own way too many earrings."

"Let's go to Starbucks!"

"Benedict Cumber-who?"

Remain vigilant, Drunkards. They're out there.


  1. Quick question: Benedict Cumberbatch covered in grilled onions. Play or Pass?

  2. I hate onions, but even I'd call that a play lol

  3. Steaming vaginas?!? You've got my attention with steaming vaginas. Yours or anyone else's.

  4. The aliens are probably monitoring your blog, since you're a perfect candidate for takeover. I think it's better if we keep an eye out for Drummer Boy running into the middle of the highway screaming "You're next! You're next! They're here already!" Then we'll know you've gone all Dana Wynter on us.


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