Saturday, January 10, 2015

Tabitha Takes On Gay Marriage

It's been quite a while since my page admin Tabitha got to post here. She got a little big for her tight britches, so I had to wish her into the cornfield for a while to chill her out. But she asked nicely (for her - it didn't involve threats of violence or more than five curse words) if she could write about an issue that's important to her. I have a rotten cold and could use a break, so I said yes. As always, I apologize in advance. 

Hey, you beautiful people. Tabby here.

Talk dirty to me and I'll show you
my tattoos.
Well, here it is 2015, and we're still talking about gay marriage. BORING.

There are, like, so many other things we should be talking about, y'all. Like douchebag terrorists. And sexy redheads. And how shitty country music is these days.

Seriously, have you listened to this yet? Chocolate-covered Christ. LOL.

But no. Instead we're still hearing about old white fucks trying to spoil other people's fun, just because some people prefer their fun with matching genitalia. Dudes. Honestly, if you like pussy, isn't it better if some guys don't? Less competition and all. And the same goes for straight lady bigots, of course. Lesbians are doing you a huge favor by jumping off the wiener train.

All aboard.
So, the 5th Circuit Court is hearing arguments from the mouthbreathers in Texas, Louisiana, and Mississippi about whether or not it's anybody's damn business if consenting adults marry whoever the hell they want to marry. Because the states that rank 46th, 49th, and 50th in poverty rates have nothing bigger to worry about. I mean, Jesus, if you're gonna stick your nose in something that's none of your damn business, why not look into why so many people in those states eat goddamn bottom-feeding crawfish? GROSS.

Buttsex is an abomination but eating armored cockroaches is OK?
Anyway, the official reason these states have concocted for why gay marriage is fucking terrible is that it's the state's job to encourage procreation, and couples can't procreate if they don't possess one penis and one vagina between them. And a wedding ring, because babies born outside of marriage are spawns of Satan and deserve the shitty education they're going to get in Texas, Louisiana, and Mississippi unless they're rich enough to afford private school. Oh, and being white and Christian is also preferred. And Republican.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah, procreation. It's the state's job to encourage procreation. Besides being creepy as all hell, that notion is - what's the word? - stoopid. Yeah. I don't have kids myself, because children are messy, shallow, undisciplined, and needy. They're like boyfriends you can't have sex with, lol. But if I did, it wouldn't be because the government thought it was a good idea. I don't do anything the government thinks is a good idea, including paying taxes and not sleeping with Vladimir Putin.

I just can't help myself.
The thing is, these dudes are also arguing that straight couples who can't reproduce should still be allowed to get married as if they were normal people. Well, screw that. How are we supposed to know who's queer and who isn't if all married people aren't popping out kids? State governments, you're leaving us dangerously ignorant of other people's private sex lives if you allow straight people to play gay by not having kids. Infertility, menopause, lack of parental instinct - these are things that totally should disqualify people from getting married just as much as being gay does. You don't get to have consequence-free sex AND a tax break, straight people.

Just lie there and don't enjoy it.
Just let anybody get married, or nobody get married, how's that? Because when you start to pick and choose who can and can't, you look kind of dumb. Or how about this - be, like, honest about why you really don't think gay folks should get married: You're just bitter.

Because you couldn't pull this look off if you tried, bitch.
Personally, I think marriage is ridiculous. Love is for suckers, and it bites you in the ass. I say, if you hate gays so much, let 'em get married. That'll show 'em. Let them drive without seatbelts and stand on the top steps of ladders, too, while you're at it. If Darwin was right, everything will sort itself out.

Oh,wait. You white Christian right-wing lawyer types don't believe Darwin was right, do you? You think the weak and the stupid just get to keep on surviving as long as they pray to the right God and have sex with the right people.

That's actually a pretty brilliant strategy.

I mean, it works for ISIS, right?

Good job, state governments.

Peace out, people. I'm going to have some state-approved hetero sex. God bless America, y'all.


  1. Love is love is love :) Welcome back, Tabby!

  2. If we ever get to the point in India where we're arguing over whether gay marriage - rather than, y'know, *being gay* - is to be legalised, I'd cheer. Not that I plan to enter into a gay marriage myself, but gays have as much right to be unhappy as the rest of us!

  3. I think Tabitha should be the one to argue this in front of the Supreme Court. Yes, there are already a lot of very smart lawyers working on the pro-side. (And some dumb ones and some who'll say whatever they're paid to say on the anti-side.) The guys who faced off in Bush v. Gore are working together on this issue, which says something.

    I just think Tabitha's argument saves a lot of time, and, let's face it, same-sex couples everywhere have waited long enough.


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