At the Movies with the Elderly

Today Precocious Daughter and I went to the movies. We saw The Theory of Everything. Loved it. Eddie Redmayne gives an amazing performance as Stephen Hawking.

"You'll believe a man can
sit in a wheelchair."

Now, we went to a 4:30 p.m. showing, and that's a bit of an odd time to see a movie. It's not exactly an afternoon show, not yet an evening show.

What it is, apparently, is prime movie-going time for old people.

They Only Come Out at a Reasonable Hour.

The theater was decently packed, and not counting me, PDaughter was the youngest person there by at least four decades. We were surrounded on all sides by comfortable sportswear and sensible handbags. As a teenager, she was a little freaked out. At least I was there, a mature adult to act as a bridge between the generations.

Nah, I was freaked out, too.

Are they still here?

But whatever. We were all here to watch The Theory of Everything. My child and I and several dozen senior citizens. Once the movie started, it wouldn't matter who was in the theater.

Have you ever watched a movie with your grandparents?

"Jimmy, ask the internet to play the movie again,
but slower this time and without all the S-E-X."

How about watching a movie with all the grandparents?

Maybe I shouldn't complain. It's not as if the elderly were being dicks. No one was kicking my seat. There were no sloppy makeout sessions going on in the back row. Some dude wasn't yelling "N***a, don't open that door!" at critical points. They were just nice people seeing a movie after enjoying their Denny's Early Bird Specials.

As if they were sitting in their own living rooms.

All by themselves.

Who farted?

The line that sticks with me most from watching this movie is not one of Stephen Hawking's explanations of quantum theory, or a tender moment between him and his wife Jane. In fact, it's not a line in the film at all. It's "What'd he say?" 

Also, "Who is that?"

And perhaps my favorite: "Oh, he has a disease."

I can't help wondering if anybody in that theater thought it was a plot twist when Stephen Hawking was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease.

Or if they thought The Theory of Everything
was a funny name for a baseball movie.
Also, where the hell was all the baseball.

Older movie-goers also like to play a game called "Guess What the Next Line Is Going to Be, Preferably in the Middle of a Dramatic Silence." The winner is whoever says the thing that is least likely to be found in a major motion picture penned by a professional screenwriter.

"Yo, Scarlett, want to grab some wings?"

But I couldn't get too upset. Unfortunately, I also couldn't go around to each of them and say, "Here, let me show you how to mute your cellphone." Or "So those dentures really let you chew popcorn loudly, don't they?"

I have nothing against senior citizens. I hope to be one myself someday. And when I am, I'm sure I'll still be going to be movies.

But if any snot-nosed 40-something gives me side-eye because I'm talking back to the screen, I'll smack the crap out of them with my giant purse.