Sunday, December 21, 2014


I posted yesterday, but I pulled it down later. I violated my cardinal rule of not using this blog to discuss the reasons behind the failure of my marriage. I was feeling sad and angry and alone, because Precocious Daughter and her dad were having early Christmas with his side of the family, and I of course was excluded because he has poisoned them against me.

It wasn't the exclusion that bothered me - hey, pretty soon we're going to be divorced, and that means not being part of their family any more - but the back story. My late father-in-law was married five times and created a large, sprawling family of exes, steps, halfs, and their respective spouses. At Christmastime, all were welcome. All were considered family. It was messy and confusing, especially to someone like me, who came from a very compact and traditional family. But over the years I grew to love the inclusiveness. It didn't matter what brought us together or what might have driven us apart: At Christmas, we were all one. There was so much love. There was so much forgiveness.

In fact, it was to honor the memory of my father-in-law that I didn't simply pack up and leave when my marriage failed. I knew my spouse would be in a bad place. I knew he wasn't prepared, financially or emotionally, to be self-supporting. I knew there was a greater good to be served, for him and for our daughter, by remaining roommates after our relationship ended. I knew it could work. For the sake of PDaughter and this man I have loved for 25 years, I made it work.

But I can't control what other people say or do. My ex-in-laws have jettisoned the lessons of their father and chosen to banish me from even the most  liberal definition of "family." I won't defend myself or plead my case to any them. But it does make me sad, and yes, angry. And last night, that led me to say things here that were neither honorable nor classy.

So I've removed them.

Because if I can't come out of this with my integrity intact, then maybe I don't deserve to come out of it all.

Merry Christmas to all. Even those who don't wish it to me in return.


  1. Happens to the best of us! Just remember, you can Christmas with us anytime! :D

  2. I read the post and I thought you handled yourself well despite all the pain you've been through. You are a strong woman, so very strong. I know I'm a bit of a drive away, but our door is also open to you at anytime.

  3. What a shame. One of our cousins divorced his wife, and I really, really liked her - and I thought she got the raw end of the deal. Family is tricky and frustrating. And I'm sorry they're being total a-holes.

  4. Things aren't going well for either of us, are they? I don't think either of us deserves it. We should all of us form a mutual support society. We all need one to keep ourselves going. I know I could use one now.

  5. I've got your back, Raghead. I can reach all the way around to the Subcontinent if I need to.

  6. A long time ago I learned that the expression "You can choose your friends but not your family" isn't true. We can--and should--choose those who are worthy of being considered family, and separate ourselves from those who can't treat us with love and respect.

    What I've never thought about is how terrible it must be to be so unfairly ostracized, especially at this time of year. I hope this Christmas does get better.


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