Monday, July 7, 2014

Don't Tell the Zombies About Lipitor

I don't have anything to write about tonight. So instead I'll give you all some good news:

Zombies are not a long-term threat to society.

They are, as a race (species? religion? socioeconomic group?), extremely prone to heart disease, heart attacks, and strokes.

Because it turns out their dietary staple - say it with me, braaaaaiiiiiinnnnnssss - is way high in cholesterol.

How high? Check this out:

That milk doesn't help.
That's right, one 5.5-ounce can of brains has 1170% of the recommended daily allowance of cholesterol. To put it in layman's terms, that is a shit-ton of cholesterol.

Not only that, but the average adult human brain weighs about three pounds. So by eating just one brain, a zombie attacker is ingesting... (does math) ... about 12 globlillion times a healthy amount of cholesterol.

And you know those zombies can't eat just one.

So yeah, I think we can all relax, because those lurching, staring, brain-slurping zombie assholes are like an army of Elvises destined to keel over on the toilet from an after-lifetime of poor dietary choices.

Their taste in beer isn't doing them any favors, either.
On the other hand, there is a surprising amount of Vitamin C to be found in brains. Which is why, although they are rotting and fetid and quite ungraceful, you rarely see a zombie with a cold.

Everybody stock up on canned brains, or slow neighborhood children. Either way, this will all blow over soon.


  1. Fortunately, not having a brain, I'm quite safe.

  2. One of my friends tried this very product back in high school (he's a zany fellow). "Our" table was at the very end of the room, and it wasn't until we heard the collective gasp of a couple hundred people when he took a bite that we realized the entire cafeteria was watching. Ha!


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