Tuesday, June 10, 2014

I Exclusively Pretended to Interview This Crazy Lady

Exciting news, Drunkards!

I was able to score an exclusive interview with Jo Lyn Haussmann. She's the newly elected member of the school board in Keller, Texas who recently received national attention for this Facebook post:

A bit of background: Southlake is a highfalutin suburb between Dallas and Fort Worth. Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo lives there, as do many other current and former pro athletes. It has a population of about 27,000 people, 95% of whom are white, white, white.

Shown here: white.

Southlake is also home to Dr. Shahid Shafi, a surgeon who emigrated from Pakistan 24 years ago. He ran a successful campaign for a place on the Southlake City Council. He is the "MUSLIM" of Ms. Haussmann's Facebook post.

That post has resulted in her being censured by the Keller school board, although as of this writing she has refused to resign. It has also sparked respectful online debate (jk lol) between those who believe she is entitled to express her opinions because 'Murica and those who believe a person who is in charge of educating children should perhaps not express the opinion that individuals of a given faith are shameful and should not be allowed to participate in 'Murican governance.

It is a highly nuanced argument, as you can see.

Quack! Quackquackquackquack! QUACK!

How did I score face time with the woman at the center of the controversy? As a professional amateur pseudo-journalist, I can't reveal my journalismizing methods. But I will say that either I skillfully positioned myself to Ms. Haussmann as a fair and sympathetic medium for her to tell her side of the story, or I just made the whole thing up.

As always, you the reader must draw your own conclusions.

Here's the transcript.

Chuck Baudelaire: Thank you so much for meeting me at my home, Ms. Haussmann.
The perp  interviewee.

Jo Lyn Haussmann: Baudelaire...is that an Ayrab name?

CB: Um...no. Anyway, have a seat. I'm afraid everything is a bit of a mess. I've been going through my fabric stash. Here, let me move this pile of muslin.


CB: No, no. It's OK. Just have a seat. Now, my first question is -

JLH: Did you say Quran?

CB: I said 'question.'

JLH: Because that's a bad, dirty book. Now the Bible, that's a good book.

CB: Well, that sort of relates to my first ques...first thing I want to ask. In your online bio, you describe yourself as a Christian conservative. What does that label mean to you?

JLH: Mohammed was a dirty nut-brown heathen.

CB: And Jesus?

JLH: Such beautiful blue eyes.

CB: I see. And what are your views on the U.S. Constitution?


CB: What are your views on freedom of religion?

JLH: Americans can be any Christian religion they want.

CB: What if they want to be Muslims?

JLH: I said Americans.

CB: Are you aware that those are completely different things?

JLH: Right. Americans aren't Muslims. That's what I said.

CB: That's not what I meant. At all.

JLH: Did you say Allah? Are you sure you're not one of them?

CB: Moving on. In another social media post from last year, you implied that President Barack Obama is a Muslim.

JLH: I should not have implied that.

CB: Really?

JLH: I should have made myself very clear. President dirty nut-brown devil-worshiping Kenyan tarbaby Muslim Barack Obama, is what I should have said.

CB: Let's talk about Dr. Shahid Shafi, the new Southlake City Council member.

JLH: He's a Muslim, you know.

CB: Yes, I'd heard that. Your Facebook post indicated that the people of Southlake should be ashamed of voting for a Muslim.

JLH: The white people should be, certainly.

CB: Why is that, exactly?

JLH: Because good decent white Christian Americans need to stick together. Honey, you're not very smart.

CB: I've been told that, yes. What if I suggested that there are good, decent people in this country who are neither white nor Christian?

JLH: I'd burn you at the stake. Where do you keep your pyre?

CB: Uh...I sent it out to be, um, purified.

JLH: Praise the Lord. Quack.

CB: Sure. Let me ask you this: What kind of person do you think should have been elected to the Southlake City Council?

JLH: Not a Muslim.

CB: Because...

JLH: Evil ragheaded heathen terrorist anti-American jackals.

CB: That is a lot of words strung together.

JLH: What can I say? I'm an educator.

CB: How could I forget? Well, help me understand what an ideal City Council member would be. Would he be a degreed professional?

JLH: Oh yes.

CB: Involved in the community? Maybe a member of the Lions Club and the Chamber of Commerce?

JLH: Exactly!

CB: Experienced in local government, say, serving on the Planning and Zoning Commission? And active in the Republican party - like being a state convention delegate a couple of times?

JLH: You truly understand what it is to be a God-fearing, patriotic American. I take back what I said about burning you at the stake.

CB: I appreciate that. So all of those things would qualify someone in your eyes to serve on the Southlake City Council?

JLH: Right. And all I want to know is why the good Christian folk of the town couldn't be bothered to elect someone like that?

CB: Well...they did.

CB: Now get out of my house, you sad, ignorant bitch.

And whether you believe I actually interviewed Jo Lynn Haussmann or not, that is exactly how our conversation would have ended.



  1. At first I was hoping Tabitha would be the one to conduct the interview, but I doubt she would have shown your level of restraint. The interview would have been over in two sentences--although Tabitha's contribution would no doubt been similar to your closing line.

    I will, however, keep hoping that The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam will make it onto next year's required reading list for at least one school grade, prompting more outrage from Haussmann that children are reading something by a non-white, non-American author.

  2. What Christopher said inspired this comment:

    Arise! For Chucky 'gainst the broad of Right
    Hath asked the Question that put the Bitch to Flight
    And Lo! The Raghead of the East hath clapped
    A thousand times at her Wit so Light.


You're thinking it, you may as well type it. The only comments you'll regret are the ones you don't leave. Also, replies to threads make puppies grow big and strong.