Monday, March 31, 2014

Upping the Ante

For the third year in a row, Precocious Daughter is going to the state championship tournament for the Kickstart Kids karate program.

This is because a) she and her teammates are amazing; b) she has a wonderful, caring instructor; and c) PDaughter recognizes that learning to kick people in the chest is preferable to ever relying on me to protect her from bad guys, or anything more dangerous roaming packs of floofy puppies, for that matter. Or even floofy puppies, OK? I'm useless.

Devastating, no?

As I have written about before, Kickstart Kids is a program founded by Chuck Norris. And as I've also written about before, Chuck and I are practically soulmates. If by "soulmates" you mean I'm one inappropriate encounter away from being a stalker.

The big news about this year's state tournament is that it takes place in Bryan, Texas. No, wait, that's not big news. That's a pain in the butt. I'm not comfortable traveling three hours south to sit in a hot gymnasium full of strangers. I'm barely comfortable driving 10 minutes to the liquor store, although admittedly the fact that there is always liquor waiting for me there makes that trip pretty damn tolerable.

It's like the grail-shaped beacon
over the Castle Anthrax.

Still, I would drive just about anywhere for my beautiful and dangerous daughter. Especially since - and this is the big news - Chuck is going to be at the tournament!


We're all very excited.

And so, for this blogger, the 2014 Kickstart Kids State Championship becomes the I'm Going to Meet Chuck Norris or Get Arrested Trying Championship.

And I intend to win.

Oh, sure, there are bound to be all sorts of silly rules in place to prevent common riff-raff and me from getting too close to Chuck, who after all is an international celebrity and a 10th-degree black belt and therefore can't be expected to handle being approached by members of the public.

I'm sure the required etiquette will be something like this:

Do not approach Mr. Norris.
Do not speak to Mr. Norris.
Do not attempt to touch Mr. Norris' majestic beard.
Do not ask Mr. Norris to flip you over his head.
Do not attempt to flip Mr. Norris over your head.
Do not ask Mr. Norris about his Bowflex.
Do not shout "MURICA!!" in Mr. Norris' general direction.
Do not at any point look in a direction that would put Mr. Norris in your line of sight.
Do not shout "Hi, Chuck!" at any point during the tournament.

But of course, shouting "Hi, Chuck!" (or "Bye, Chuck!" as appropriate to the situation) is my thing. It's what Chuck and I share, besides being named Chuck, of course. And so I don't feel constrained by that rule, nor by extension to any of the others.

Besides, all those other people who will be at the tournament simply want to waste Chuck's time by telling him what big fans they are or thanking him for starting Kickstart Kids or asking him what the hell was going in The Octagon. None of them is trying to start a Twitter war with Ted Nugent. I am. And that's why I need some face time with Mr. Norris.

Is this Ted Nugent or Justin Bieber?
All douchebags look alike to me.

You see, Chuck and Ted share a similar conservative bent in their personal politics. I'm fairly certain that Chuck is not as huge a wackadoodle as the Troll Batch with the Soul Patch, but they are both among the most revered of right-wing celebrities who don't talk to chairs on national television.

Public Enemy Number One.

I think that Chuck Norris can help me in my quest to fight Ted Nugent. I think he would support my cause. Not because he would in a million years see eye-to-eye with me on sociopolitical matters. But because Chuck Norris appreciates the value of hand-to-hand combat in settling differences of opinion between honorable opponents.

I'm also hoping that once he learns that a short, out-of-shape suburban blogger-mom has challenged Ted Nugent to a steel cage match, Chuck will totally call out Ted as a pussy if he doesn't accept.

I simply can't imagine that a true-blue camouflage-shirt-wearing American like Ted Nugent wants to be called out as a pussy by Chuck Norris. I mean, that's barely one step less mortifying than being called a coward by the French.

Ted will not be made an object of ridicule.

So I just want a few minutes of Chuck's time. I just want to speak to him about supporting my war against Nugent before his phalanx of ninjas descend on me and drag me away.

I think seeing my feeble attempts to squirm out of their grip while shrieking in panic will only help sway him to my side.

And then watch out, Ted Nugent. I'm going straight for your nutsack. #TedNugentBeatdown


  1. Oooooo cage match with Chuck and his beard on your side? You can't lose!

  2. What about yelling Chuck Norris jokes at Chuck Norris? Please yell Chuck Norris jokes at Chuck Norris.

  3. Here's the key: distract Chuck Norris's phalanx of ninjas with floofy puppies. No one can resist the power of floofy puppies. Then you'll be free to talk to him.

    Wait...why does Chuck Norris even need a phalanx of ninjas? Why not use the floofy puppies to distract the phalanx of big fans? And, more importantly, why have I never been able to spell "phalanx" in Words With Friends? Maybe because doing so would make me the Chuck Norris of word games, and one Chuck Norris is enough.


You're thinking it, you may as well type it. The only comments you'll regret are the ones you don't leave. Also, replies to threads make puppies grow big and strong.