Saturday, March 29, 2014

Conspiracy Theories

I have yet to hear from the insurance company regarding the fate of my poor smashed Beetle and whether they will choose to fix it or total it.

I also have yet to hear from Ted Nugent or his people regarding my challenge to take him on in a fair fight, mano a douchebag.

Finally, there is still no confirmed sighting of the wreckage of Malaysian Flight 370.

Are you telling me these events are unrelated?

Is it pleasant out there where you live?
Please. I don't know for sure who is orchestrating these events, but clearly a deliberate hand is at work, shaping the outcomes of these seemingly disparate fates.

I will wait patiently for the stars to align. For the insurance company to respond. For Ted Nugent to acknowledge my presence. For the families of the Malaysian Flight 370 passengers to achieve some closure.

Also, on me to win the lottery,
while we're at it.
I don't really know who is behind the plot to withhold these events from unfolding. Far be it from me to unmask the conspirators, who may be aliens, Illuminati, or Teabaggers. I just want them to know that I'm not going anywhere, and I will await justice in its many forms with a patience that is as annoying as it is boundless. Just to piss you off.

Do you have unanswered questions in your life? Then fight the powers that be. Wait 'em out. Get in their face. We can do this. Goddamn aliens/Illuminati/conservative assholes.

By their stupid appearance shall ye know them.
If you promise to support the hashtag #TedNugentBeatdown, I promise to send my very best energy to your pet problem. And to fight by your side when the aliens come.

We'll get through this together.


  1. Let's see, I'm pretty sure the Malaysian plane is currently on a secret base where Mr Nugent is outfitting it as a getaway vehicle so he can use it to escape from you to the Moon, where the Galactic Emperor Xenu and Cthulhu are scheduled to fight each other for dominance of space and time.

  2. I blame Belgians. Whenever anything goes wrong it almost always turns out Belgium is behind it. Or brussels sprouts, which are from...Belgium!


You're thinking it, you may as well type it. The only comments you'll regret are the ones you don't leave. Also, replies to threads make puppies grow big and strong.