Friday, February 7, 2014

Tabitha Takes on the Winter Olympics

Note: I banished Tabitha's ass. Somehow she wound up in Sochi, Russia, and filed this report on the 22nd Winter Olympic Games. It's entertaining, so I let her publish it. Also, she's not mean to me for once (relatively speaking, of course).

hi, y'll. tabby here.

you know you missed me.
i'm in fucking russia, people. russia. do you know where that is? it's all the way over, you know, there. almost to europe or something.
this is totally not helpful. anyway, shouldn't that
be the african-american sea? so racist.
btw, you people are sons of bitches. some of you narced me out to chuck baudelaire and said "ooooh i don't like her" and "waaaah, she's so mean" and "blablabla i'd fuck her but i wouldn't marry her." whatevs. chuck said i should disappear for a while. so i went on and looked for a cheap flight to the hell out of there. i get off the plane and i'm in bulgaria. or maybe the other garia - you know, hungaria.
Note: I know, she just totally ripped off a
Spinal Tap joke from "The Simpsons." Or maybe
she doesn't realize it's a joke. - CB
so i ended up in this street market because i heard that weed is legal in amsterdam - which i guess means it was bulgaria, right? geography, lol. and then this, like, goat farmer or sheep fucker or something named arnost that i met when he copped a feel in front of a sausage shop hooked me up with a barge trip across the african-american sea (#notaracist) and i ended up in this cool place called sochi.
guess what, dudes: they're having the winter olympics here! i did not even know that. it's karma, or kismet, or what the hell ever. i love the olympics. they are the coolest thing america ever invented.
so i was wandering around sochi, pretty much following the dogs, which i guess are the olympic mascots this year because they're like everywhere. and i met this guy who said he was vladmir putin's personal tailor's teenage boy toy and would i like some vodka. and i said, who is vlalala poopin? and he said something in some other language, i have no idea what they speak in russia. anyway, someone else told me that vladimir putin is all in charge and whatnot and would i like some vodka. and i thought, i need to meet this dude.
long story short: it's amazing how helpful foreigners can be when you let them put their hands inside your shirt. before too long i was introduced to him and given some vodka.
spoiler alert: we totally did it.
he takes off his shirt and we have the sex.
are you surprised?
so then he's all "hey, baby, will you carry a torch for me?" and i'm like, no way, you're cute and all but russia is too effing cold and after i go back to america imma forget all about you. i'm kind of a bitch that way.
but you know what? he wasn't asking if i would be his girl. he was actually asking me - me, tabitha roxanne renee louise brown - to light the freaking olympic torch at the opening ceremonies! how much is that cool?
but then he got kind of pissy over the "imma forget you" comment and totally took it back. so that's why i'm not actually going to be up there with the torch. kinda sucks. i've got a pretty big mouth sometimes.
also, now i need another place to stay. vlad's crib was rocking, so i'm looking for something just as swag. there are all these hotels and stuff here in sochi that look brand new. probably they're awesome. a lot of them don't have sidewalks leading up to them or doorknobs or walls around what you might call 100% of the buildings. might be a russian thing, i don't know. i don't study architecture, because boring. i'm sure i'll find something nice.
can someone tell me which hotel this is?
because it sounds like my kind of place.
or maybe i'll score a room with the athletes. you know, flirt a little and get an invite. some of the figure skater guys are pretty hot. i'll flash some boob and they'll be all over me. guys dig me.
after i settle in, i'm going to explore. make some new friends. maybe get a look at shaun white's halfpipe, if you know what i mean. so ciao for now.
i mean i want to see shaun white naked. i thought i should clarify that.
later, gators.

1 comment:

  1. So, Tabby, Sochi was good for your chi, was it?

    Be careful you don't wind up in Burglaria while you're there. As I remember, Russia has some talented burglars, Tabby, and we wouldn't want you larcenised. Would we?


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