Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Don Henley Is In Fact An Excellent Motive for Attempted Murder

Bestest Friend has once again proven her bestestness.

After all these years, I still don't know what she sees in me.
Knowing me like the back of her side, she sent me a link to this most excellent story from Gawker:

It is of course a scientific fact that even a single playing of "Witchy Woman" can cause severe neurological abnormalities and a heightened gag reflex. Therefore, I'm totally not surprised that this poor woman was driven to violence when cruelly subjected to a repeating loop of the Eagles' most tedious hits.

Evil bastards.
Who among us has not been tempted to commit a desperate act to protect our ears and our sanity from the depredations of "Those Shoes"?  Why, the intestinal fortitude required to withstand the insidious strains of "Life in the Fast Lane" would tax even the strongest human. This good lady never stood a chance.

According to the story, alcohol was a factor in this unfortunate incident. Not surprising. I well understand the compulsion to mask intense pain with drink.

"Standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona"
does not rhyme, godammit!
Yet this brave martyr, Vernette Bader, far from receiving sympathy or even empathy for her actions, was taken into custody. And for what? For plunging a serrated knife into the upper extremities of her sadistic Eagles-playing roommate. Said roommate was also her ex-boyfriend, which to me clearly indicates that she had suffered enough.

Do we have to watch "Hell Freezes Over" fucking again?
Still, while I feel that arresting Ms. Bader for defending herself against auditory assault is a gross miscarriage of justice, I do commend the local constabulary for conducting a thorough investigation of the crime:

It's unclear which of the band's songs drove Bader over the edge, but police have narrowed down the possible suspects to "Witchy Woman," "Take It Easy," "Peaceful Easy Feeling," "Take It to the Limit," "One of These Nights," "Tequila Sunrise," and "Hotel California" on repeat.
Do not judge this woman harshly, I implore you. After all, there but for the grace of the mute button go I.

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