Let's Hear It for the Boy...Wait, That's Not Racist, Is It?

Last night, Bill Clinton officially nominated Barack Obama for a second term as President and blew the freaking roof off the joint.

Settle down, ladies, there's plenty of Willy to go around.

I know, I know: This man was impeached for lying to Congress. His administration led the Democratic Party's descent into smug, self-righteous preachiness, where it continues to wallow today. And he hasn't exactly played nice with the campaign for which he came out to stump in Charlotte.

But Bubba can give a speech. As one commenter on YouTube put it, "That man could sell me shit right off the shovel." Indeed.

Plus, his pimp hand is strong.

Leave aside the minutiae of policy and politics: for meticulous research, laser-like wordsmithing, and pitch-perfect tone, President Clinton's 49 minutes at the podium blew away anything seen last week at the Republican National Convention. Even the old guy with the chair.

The estate of Ronald Reagan fervently hopes this silences
the whole "acted with a monkey" thing forever.

The smartest thing Mr. Clinton said, by the way? Basically, that the Democrats don't have all the answers any more than the Republicans do, and nothing will get done in this country until both sides come together and work together, and kumbaya and don't bogie that doob and hey baby, got any fries to go with that shake?

Amiright?

Anyway, tonight we move on to the acceptance speeches of President Obama and Vice-President Joe "YOLO" Biden. As I did with the speeches of Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan last week, I'm going to be live-blogging them on my Facebook page. Programming note: last week, I slammed vodka shots between comments. As of this writing, my spiritual adviser recommends I remain sober for tonight's event.

Him.

I haven't decided yet. But those cold judgmental toad eyes are boring into my soul aughhh make it stop I'll do anything just blink dammit!

But I digress.

You may not know this, but in 2008 I seriously considered voting for Sen. John McCain. I ended up voting Democrat, but I was by no means certain that Obama/Biden was the right ticket to get us out of the recession. And since I'm currently making almost $10K less than I was making on Election Day 2008, I'm still not certain. Still, for a plethora of reasons besides the economy, it's highly unlikely that I'll be casting my ballot for Romney/Ryan.

That doesn't mean I'm on board with the entire Dem platform. There are many things Mr. Obama and Mr. Biden need to say tonight in order to increase my confidence in their re-election bid. I'd be far happier if my vote were something more than choosing the lesser of two evils. Or dumbasses.

"So when I get to the end of the hall, do I turn left or right
to get to the potty?"

With that in mind, here are the issues I'm hoping to hear addressed and clarified tonight:

Defense spending. Couldn't we save a lot of money here if we stopped sending troops to places where everybody wants to shoot us?

Federal education standards. Let's declare Texas' graduation rate and per-student spending to be the national target, and 49 states instantly become exemplary.

Abortion rights. In the interest of fairness, I want to know why no man has ever proposed a Constitutional ban on whacking off. I mean, that one's a sin in the Bible and everything.

Taxes. If you make more money in a single year than I've made since graduating from college 23 years ago, shut up, stop being an asshole, and pay up.

Health care. Why exactly is everyone so keen to have access to a health-care system where it's OK for a hospital to charge $12 for an Advil?

Jobs. People create jobs. If corporations are in fact people, they're the neighborhood jerkwads who collect the other kids' money to buy candy and then keep it all for themselves.

Illegal immigration.
Marijuana.
Voter ID laws.
Dudes. Enforcing laws against these problems costs more than the alleged problems. As President Clinton said, it's arithmetic.

I hope you'll join me for the live blog tonight at 8:00 CDT or so. I'm looking forward to doing a shot every time Joe Biden says something crazy. Um, if I decide to do that.

There's nothing worse than a toad-nanny state.